To view something awesomely strange...
On the front page of the Sunday 16 July 1989 Los Angeles Times there is a headline in rather bold type: "Persistent Drought Plagues Midwest for a Second Year." The article lavishes many column inches upon the economic devastation wrought upon farmers and the nation as a whole as wheat, corn, oats, and all that is green, good, and above ground is ravaged and dying from the utter lack of adequate rainfall and monster locust infestations from Montana, Wyoming, and Idaho across to Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois and Missouri. All of Iowa is in the "Black Zone" of severe drought for the past two years. The US Federal Government is about to mobilize billions of dollars in drought devastation aid if FEMA can find Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Missouri, and Iowa. Pledged quiet green backwash ought to facilitate the main wave being released.
On page 3 of the Sunday 16 July 1989 Los Angeles Times Metro section there is a weather map which shows torrential downpours and thunderstorms over these same areas. A table listing major US cities and their weather lists Des Moines, Iowa as having 0.45 inches of rain for the past 24 hours. Kansas City, Missouri got 4.16 (!!!!) inches of rain. Omaha, Nebraska got 0.79 inches.
Perhaps somebody ought to tell the honorable representatives from Missouri that when you get 4.16 inches of rain in 24 hours you have flooding, not drought. On the other hand, with a billion dollars in free eats and corruption coming their way, perhaps the good folk in Missouri can find it in their hearts to overlook the slimy mud on their living room carpets, walls and ceilings and concentrate on their flowerpots sitting high and dry on their roofs, perched under steel canopies, unwatered for more than two years. I think that is called a "soil bank" and they get government subsidies for not growing wheat in them.
You can imagine the farmers sitting with their feet on the edge of the pickle barrel in the country store, their scuba rigs hissing and bubbling as the floodwaters rage about them:
"Hell, Andy, it's been really tough. My government drought aid check arrived at the post office, only $348,696.81 but Thelma and I will make do at least this month, and the cars are under fifteen feet of water. Can't get to that check nohow. Damn shame."
"Golly Zeke, Representative Stosh D. Porkbarrel will use his personal helicopter to airlift you your drought check, no charge! 'Course, being a loyal citizen, I donate 10% of each check to his campaign fund. Good old Representative Porkbarrel showed me how I could take the dirt in my kids ears out of farm production and earn some real nice government subsidies for it. If you spread it out real thin a little ear dirt becomes a lot of acres. Gave him 15% for his campaign for that one."
Have we as people become so utterly inert that we can read about drought on page one and floods on page three, over precisely the same geography, and simultaneously hold both thoughts in our mind without retching? Perhaps our government is hiring some diversity high school students who cannot find the US on a map of North America, and they are performing in executive capacities. Perhaps the utter failure of the American educational system to produce even minimally literate and numerate graduates is less a tragedy than a relief.
"Gee, George, Federal revenues are down, expenditures are up, the National Debt is in worse shape than a Texas Savings and Loan, and the people are going to slay us at the polls!"
"Nah, adjust the National Debt by normalizing it to seasonally adjusted constant dollars, express revenues in projected income, make expenditures less expected return on investment, and bail out the Texas Savings and Loan in unmarked 100's - remember, ten percent goes to John Connally. Don't give the people a deal they can't refuse; give them a deal they can't understand."
What is the value of a duck? Is it what you paid in feed, heat, labor...? Is it what it costs to replace the duck? Is it what somebody else will pay for the duck? Is it the "bluebook" value of a duck? Is it the depreciated or amortized value of the duck? Is it the cost of a Stealth bomber when it is hurled from the sky by colliding with the duck? Is it the cost of hiring a CPA to hide the duck from the IRS? Three cheers for situational accounting!
Let me not give the impression that I find this to be unacceptable. I have been communicating with my local Representative about government funding for a study detailing the use of funds and the value of results re cost when inexpert people undertake to perform government-sponsored studies. I figure that 10% of the total grant ought to go to that politician as a campaign contribution, don't you?
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