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Dr. Schund, what is the miracle of transubstantiation?
In many pagan religions it is believed that the worshipped deity may be brought to Earth by the priests for consumption as food by their congregation. Compare this with the Roman practice of spectators leaping from the stands to eat parts, especially the heart, of downed gladiators to gain their strength and bravery. Middle Americans enjoyed rites of human sacrifice and consumption for fertility and expiation of sin. The miracle of transubstantiation is the arcane spectacular institutionalized conversion of an unleavened flour wafer into the Flesh of Christ for cannibalistic consumption. Can God make a collection plate so large even He cannot fill it? Sure - all of them. Let us probe some of the complexities.
Suppose that on a given day one million communicants consume one million one gram wafers that are miraculously rendered into one million one gram morsels of succulent christflesh. There is excellent historical basis for the assertion that Christ was not punched out while tipping the scales at one metric ton.
Modern theologians have given great weight to this dilemma, especially in light of the multiple manifold theories of dimensional spacetime. It is concluded that Christ is a pan-dimensional being capable of altering mass distribution across time and space in an infinite sheaf of spacio-temporal continua. A dissenting school of thought maintains that Christ was an individual of extreme density, thus carrying vast weight for his size. Consider Superman, born not on a normal planet but on a black dwarf star composed of degenerate matter. Evinced local gravitational anomalies associated with such a phenomenon remain unexplained in both cases.
There is the difficulty that with a singular if not unbounded Christ to be partitioned out among the faithful somebody will receive the tenderloin, and rather a great number of communicants will be stuck with less choice cuts such as the scalp, the armpit, the rectum...
Modern theologians have given great weight to this dilemma, especially in light of the cladist doctrine of multiple speciation. Christflesh is not a tissue differentiated into anatomical regions. The miracle of transubstantiation brings into being less of an armpit or scalp, more of a christloaf in which all of the singular representations of anatomical compartmentalization are homogeneously randomized, as by a divine food processor. A dissenting school of thought maintains that there is retained anatomical compartmentalization. God's appointed servants get the choice cuts; the sheep of their flocks are apportioned the remainder based upon divine interpretation of worth.
Questions arise about the conversion of a starchy cracker poor in essential amino acids into mammalian flesh containing, by default, the optimum distribution of amino acids, vitamins, fatty acids, minerals, and other nutrients. Could a suitably faithful but starving cohort of communicants be spared the devastation of mirasmus, kwashiorkor, and other malnutritional diseases through the simple expedient of supplying inexpensive and easily stored crackers to be converted as needed into quality nutrition through divine intervention?
Modern theologians have given great weight to this dilemma, especially in light of the Zwinglian doctrine of corporeal versus symbolic presence in the Eucharist. It is concluded that the starving parishioners would in essence be saved by the conversion of starch to meat, and would in practice continue to starve. The priests, of course, will continue to pack their own picnic baskets. There exist no dissenting schools of thought concerning that.
Finally, if after the miracle of transubstantiation we did recover the not as yet digested bit of divine meat through gastric lavage and employed recombinant DNA techniques, could we not clone the object of adoration? An amorphous cell culture would make an essentially unlimited supply of christflesh available to believers and non-believers alike - Christ Nuggets. Nuclear replacement of donated human ova and gestation in volunteer host mothers (designated Marys for simplicity and nostalgia) would avail us of an unlimited supply of Christs to perform miracles and die repeatedly, daily if deemed prudent, for worshipers' sins. Indeed, we envision a bright, bright day when each church service will be highlighted by the death, dismemberment, and consumption of the genuine article still warmly a'twitchin'. This is truly the miracle of transubstantiation.
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