Driver, "AAAAAAHHHH!"
OUCH,
Driver, "AAAAAAHHHH!"
As February 2010 opened, automobile manufacturer Toyota had issued hard by 10 million recalls of its cars worldwide dating back to 2005 models. Gas pedals displayed an annoying tendency to fully depress and stay that way. Owners claimed growing annoyance at POWER MODE. An exquisite five-step shutdown procedure, beginning with "stand on the brake pedal with both feet but do not pump," was not good enough for them.
Outsourced underling cubicle hominid (OUCH), "OnStar: how may I
help you?!"
Driver, "AAAAAAHHHH!"
OUCH,
Driver, "AAAAAAHHHH!"
Unstoppably motoring along beyond 100 mph sounds more like an idyllic commercial than like a problem. The California Highway Patrol was sold! Doing triple digits on a freeway is arrest, vehicle impoundment, and about four months' wages to get shut of it all (doubled in construction zones - all freeways). The California Bar Association, enduring hard times, took its hands out of its own pockets and clapped individually, severally, and by class action. Auto insurers declared an extra dividend. Healthcare insurers octupled their previous year's net retained earnings while vigorously selling coverage, denying compensation, and singing their corporate Anthem. Drivers still complained.
It served them right for buying vehicles assembled in post-industrial America wherein guilt is no basis for indictment.
Immediate aggregate multi-$billion national safety studies spread a wide TARP. They were commissioned by the FDA (Dr. Scholl's computerized orthotics), ICC (bicycle pedals), BATF (peddlers), DoEd (pedagogues). Mormons went after pedigrees, God's rottweiler expressed an interest in pedophiles. It was a jolly romp of national managerial pediculosis with six-figure performance bonuses. Drivers still complained.
Federal regulators were freshly returned from a couple of weeks in Arruba plus comps for local talent. Tanned and rested, they declared that a selective linear incremental mechanical gap-spanning semi-micro static planar spacer would stiffen limp accelerators... pending further studies and some in situ mojitos.
Automobile dealers across this great nation got $5000 Federal enhanced employment tax credits to retain otherwise unemployed teachers furiously cutting up discarded soft drink cans for shims. Finding teachers who could read a ruler was awkward. Federal "No Teacher Left Behind" standards of diversity, cognitive-challenge non-discrimination, and personal empowerment filled two Blu-Ray DvDs and required a kiss from Barny Frank.
Sudden part-time minimum wage parking lot pickups had the California Employment Development Department suffering departmental developed unemployment. It called in consultants while canceling their unemployment insurance. Enlightened and inspired, CA EDD ministered to its own and closed the social funding loop. Teachers post-spasm reapplied for benefits, barely surviving formidable administrative delays due to EDD understaffing and scheduled office breaks. They were denied benefits for have pre-existing employment below their pay grade.
Japanese manufacturer Akebono added 70 jobs at its Ring Road Elizabethtown, Kentucky headquarters. Everybody the ring around agreed things were rosy. Those were the brakes!
Toyota was not sitting on its thumbs as all this unfolded. A brigade of Eta Force ninjas was apportioned and lethally dispatched to fourteen North American manufacturing plants including Toyota Motor Manufacturing de Baja California, S. de R.L. de C.V. Black-clad and eyes grinning, silent death mounted Toyota Sequoia SUVs then thundered toward the horizon at 110 mph. They were heard to be boisterously cheering as they went,
OUCH, "OnStar: how may I help you?!"
Ninjas, "AAAAAAHHHH!"
(No, Dear Reader, Uncle Al will not add two
more letters for the linguistic stereotype.)
Congresscritters, recovered from dissociative traumatic catatonia post-State of the Union Address, mounted a probe. They then demanded hearings with subpoenas and C-SPAN. More than thirty mail carriers went narcoleptic and fell into sorting and distributing machines as red tape unreeled. USPS flags were set at half-mast, announcing hiring. Teachers were turned away by reason of conflict of interest.
The quest for Official social equity is fueled by unlimited jackbooted State compassion rendering every man's misery all men's miseries. Washington carefully exempted itself from it own social advocacy rules - it is the law!
Apple iTunes is notorious for downgrading performance with each People's Republic of Canada upgrade. A simple mp3 music file can be essentially unplayable, hanging and hanging and hanging. The software autoreports failures to Apple, jamming your Web connect. Quotes one melodically other-abled Canukistani, "they'll need to hire more monkeys just to read my reports alone." (Apes, but no matter.)
Did Apple subcontract iAccelerator Pedals to Toyota? Was it Redmond, WA and Windows CE? Did an engineer's little girl play piano on his CAD keyboard? More multi-$billion studies are needed! Who needs a job?
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