Local Franciscan priest Geronimo de Aguilar knew Maya, translating for Cortés early on. Building on success (plus 11 ships, 500 men, 13 horses, and cannons), he upscaled to La Malinche (doña Marina), his native mistress-to-be broodmare of his son Martín. Malinche spoke Nahuatl (Aztec) and Maya, providing more value added than Aguilar the Eager.
(Yada yada slaughter) On 8 November 1519, Cortés and his boys were welcomed by the Aztec Emperor Moctezuma II. Mocty lavishly awarded his guests golden geegaws. The Spaniards, to spare their host further drudgery, toppled his empire and emptied its vaults themselves. They finished on 13 August 1521, snaring Cuauhtimoc, the Tlatoani (ruler) of Tenochtitlan, then suddenly Mexico City of "New Spain of the Ocean Sea."
Cortés zealously personally broadened local genetic diversity. He sired double digits of White plus mestizo offspring. One presumes this taught the spirochete to be polite in mixed company lest festering ulcerous crotches be offputting to its further dissemination.
Let us be diverse. What were Cortés' feelings? His ponderous dramatically thick Memory Book with its ever so precious carved scroll work and inlaid natives' teeth is long gone. Let us deconstructively reconstruct his conversations with doña Marina as they picked at each other's nether scabs and humped like crazed weasels.
(Racist pigs who are not fluent in vernaculars of the Oppressed may skip to their own hate language patois, here.)
Cortés, "Me cuesta trabajo que las implicaciones del realismo estructural como sus hermanos son azotados hasta que sus espinas blancas con sangre y costillas se desgarran al sol."
Marina, "Pero Hernán, el institucionalismo liberal es una filosofía liberacionista más se adapte a inculcar los pueblos primitivos al seno de la civilización. ¿No te gusta mi pecho?"
Cortés, "Sí, claro. Mi ejercicio del neoconservadurismo es más parecido a un padre severo en Cristo que un tonto tirar el dinero a los animales de reserva."
Marina, "Si usted desea ser recordado como un constructivista postmoderno social, más que una bestia de cuero el culo al aire, debe alimentar y abrevar a ellos más a menudo."
Cortés, "Me han explotado las tendencias latentes en la opresión de la situación contextual para transformar radicalmente la síntesis teórica revisionista en una restauración capitalista en España."
Marina, "La epistemología de fuertes luchas ideológicas abarca la formación, la lucha, la adición, y la transformación. Pasiva, la regresión analfabetos, de transformación constante desesperada es un terreno fértil para una génesis del proletariado..
Cortés, "Estoy infectado por la perspectiva de clase más allá de la mera contemplación. Hago ejercicio criterios en lugar de las especificaciones, la cognición en lugar de la conciencia. No acepto los límites de la aproximación, cuando la exactitud de la fabricación está a mi alcance."
Marina, "Usted dice que un totalitarismo más ricos y más matizada. Emancipadores de la humanidad apreciar las dependencias entre el materialismo mecánico, dialéctico, filosófico y práctico. La gente quiere poseer cosas."
For all you white bread Caucasian pussies who whine that minority spew English is the language of Los Estados Unidos de América del Norte, Tío Al throws you a bone:
Cortés, "I agonize over the implications of structural realism as your brothers are whipped until their bloody white spines and back ribs are torn open to the sun."
Marina, "But Hernán, liberal institutionalism is a liberationist philosophy more suited to inculcating primitive peoples into civilization's bosom. Don't you like my bosom?"
Cortés, "Yeah, sure. My exercise of neoconservatism is more akin to a stern father in Christ than a fool throwing money at stock animals."
Marina, "If you wish to be remembered as a postmodern social constructivist rather than a leather-assed brute, you should feed and water them more often."
Cortés, "I have exploited latent situational tendencies within contextual oppression to radically transform revisionist theoretical synthesis into a capitalist restoration for Spain."
Marina, "The epistemology of sharp ideological struggles embraces training, struggle, summation, and transformation. Passive, illiterate, constantly desperate transformative regression is fertile ground for a proletarian genesis."
Cortés, "I am infected by class perspective beyond mere contemplation. I exercise criteria rather than specifications, cognition rather than consciousness. I do not accept the limits of approximation when exactitude of fabrication is within my grasp."
Marina, "You claim a richer and more nuanced totalitarianism. Emancipators of humanity appreciate dependencies among mechanical, dialectical, philosophical, and practical materialism. People want to own stuff."
To return to Uncle Al Outrage Central, click here