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This announcement is presented as a public service to mortuaries, grave site marker manufacturers, homicide detectives, and anybody with a well-heeled extant ancestor whose last will and testament compassionately pledges and affirms a descendent's endowment. Mix it up, folks.
Estate Anomalous
Year Tax Mortality
========================
2003 49% none
2004 48% none
2005 47% none
2006 46% none
2007 45% none
2008 45% none
2009 45% none
2010 0% SONOFAGUN!
2011 55% none
The United States has crafted a formidable industry of rendering the elderly for their insurance monies as chicken fat is rendered for schmaltz (less onion, garlic, and recovered gribinis). A deluge of folding green gushes from each withered crone enjoying basic $5000/day hospital accommodations plus room service add-ons like medication, intubation, forced ventilation, IVs, and $250/minute specialist consultations. One would be hard-pressed to spend that much that quickly in accommodations and drugs in one's health short of Las Vegas - where extras purchased for like sums would probably kill you shrieking and spasming with ecstasy overflowing. Why should hospital paper pushers and newly minted interns who cannot find a vein with a sharpened steel soda straw have all the net retained cashflow? Oh Grannie Gribenes...
Soliciting homicide is a serious crime. Actually, it is more like a felonious cakewalk unless you get caught and it is a really slow day down at the station house. Prosecution of first degree murder doesn't buy the State anything but nuisance and red ink short of crunching a celebrity. OJ Simpson would have been in much deeper kimchi had he been caught jaywalking and presented a $271 revenue opportunity ($100 fine, 170% California surcharges, and a buck for night court). Even Thurgood Marshall could not have gotten him out of that one, even with foregoing resurrection.
(Do not engage the following in Texas. That population has been uniquely resistant to compassionate social feminization. Texan Death Rows are not long term residences.)
Bearing in mind that an unattended death must be autopsied by law, and that reaching out to speed your inheritance may be no more successful than the CIA's acknowledged whacks at Fidel Castro, here we go...
Three oleander or foxglove leaves are about a human lethal dose (herbal teas) as are five castor bean hulls. All have amply obscure symptmology easily mistakable for natural causes, though spatial and temporal proximity of dosage to demise does incur a quantifiable risk factor re criminal indictment and evidence. Arcane silicon-based poison 4-chlorophenylsilatrane is derived from a component of Neutrogena soap. The stuff spontaneously breaks down in the body with fast kinetics. Modern forensic toxicology is very good at what its machines do and there is no triethanolamine in your average corpse. You want luxuriant separation in space and time between cause and effect.
Colchicine offers a few hours delay between ingestion and mortality. Growing autumn crocus is a serious tattle after histopathology discloses intestinal lumen ulceration with doubled chromosome counts. Hypoglycin-A from lychee pits is admirable, obtainable, and slow to onset. If it doesn't whack your target outright the precipitated hypoglycemic shock will probably give it a happier outlook on life thereafter. Psychiatry does that brain-banging seizure thing to depressed people all the time in the name of therapy, though usually electroconvulsively.
Do you sincerely wish to take advantage of the 2010 inheritance tax boon and also be free on the street to enjoy its rewards? Avoid anatoxin-A ("Sudden Death Factor" - a definite no-no). Embrace Polish (Corinarius orellanus), Norwegian (C. rubellus), or all American (C. gentilis) poznan cort or sorrel webcap mushrooms. They are dripping with sublime languorous liquidator orellanine that packs a nephrotoxic punch with up to three weeks' delay after ingestion. Three weeks! Kidney reaction is specific to cells of proximal tubules and it causes almost no reaction in glomeruli. Results are tubulointerstitial nephritis and irreversible bilateral renal failure, then uremic poisoning.
In 1999 mushroom exposures accounted for 8996 poisoning cases and 6 fatalities out of 2,201,156 toxic substance exposures and 873 deaths therefrom overall. Only 2 exposures were attributed to the Cortinarius group; more than 85% of mushroom exposures fell into the unknown mushroom category. It is an obscure keeper! The little brown mushrooms are tasty, too. 100-200 grams of fresh fungus is required/target.
The alternative is to introduce kava-kava (Piper methysticum) herbal tea to the nursing home. Kavalactones induce a state of sociability and euphoria. You might as well have them happy in their dogged persistence. Besides, kava-containing products are associated with fatal liver-related injuries - hepatitis, cirrhosis, and liver failure - especially in elderly folks taking cholesterol-lowering statins. You cannot be held responsible for iatrogenic and nosocomial carnage, can you? CA-CHING!
Wait at least six months before you buy your 2011 Ferrari .
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