Homeland Severity wields the Fourth Amendment to the US Constitution as a cudgel:
"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."
You are a terrorist, Officially, anywhere, anybody, anything. If you are an 88-year old cripple in a wheelchair, prepare to be boarded. The agents of Emmanuel Goldstein, er, stateless international Muslim terrorism, are everywhere (except under an abaya, burqa, chador, hijab, jilbab, khimar, niqaab, paranji, tudung; igal, bisht, ihram, kuffiyya, ghutra, shmagh, taqiyah, or thawb - for that would be profiling).
Homeland Severity lacks esprit de corps(e) - haberdashery to scare the constitutional rights out of any lawful citizen. SWAT has it, BATF has it; Ruby Ridge and Waco got it. Hitler's impeccably leather-clad Schutzstaffel with its Runic insignia terrified by mere presence. Post-menopausal (born 20 November 1957) Janet Ann Napolitano is the swineherd slopping Homeland Severity's pot-bellied pigs. Has she no fashion sense?
Bush the Lesser signed HR 3199 as Pub.L. 109-177. It renewed the Patriot Act and amended the Presidential Succession Act to put the Secretary of Homeland Security in line of succession after the Secretary of Veterans Affairs (§503). One cannot be too uncareful.
HHS CCTLS (Color-Coded Threat Level System) is a spectral jumble of Official paranoia never descending beneath "total higgledy-piggledyness." We must respect seven-figure psychological studies when outfitting our expendable assets. Begin with a minimal color palette.
Lower ranks (who might touch terrorism through their custom-fitted Norfoil® floor exam gloves, Homeland Severity logo branded on every wrist cuff) wear "don't worry" cool colors: teal, celadon, seafoam, pistachio, peuce, taupe, and turquoise uniforms. Higher ranks earn palomino, russet, and fudge. Senior Officers sport copper, silver, then gold lame. La Napolitano alone wears Mafia widow jet black velvet with jet black ultrasuede highlights.
Begin at the feet: color-coordinated Corfam® cowboy boots with lethally pointy Rosa Kleb® toes tipped with solid silver punched Homeland Severity logo shields (kick ass!), high high Cuban heels, tassels, silver glitter stars, and chrome-moly spurs. Tool steel taps fore and aft advertise a deadly man or woman walking. Disposable long thick white athletic socks with reinforced toes snug underneath.
Nudies Rodeo Tailors supplies Eduardian-cut three-piece Western suits in all those wonderful colors plus enough metallic embroidery - pant legs, vests, jackets - to hairlip the governor. Sergeants and above additionally get beads and sequins. Everybody goes commando because everybody is at the bleeding edge of national severity.
Shirts are pure white mother-in-law silk with ruffled wrists and neck. Add a bolo tie concealing Kevlar® pulls to garotte suspected terrorists. A small tarantula, scorpion, or fetal rat is cast within the transparent bolo itself depending upon venue - shakedown, x-ray, or body cavity search. Morale will soar like a carrion-eating American eagle!
Headgear is all-important. USSR officers wore pitched askew flying saucers above their mongoloid hairlines. American storm troopers will wear 3/5-sized Stetsons color coordinated to their boots and suits, borne at a jaunty beret angle with Corfam® lanyards bowtied under the chin for enhanced severity. Silver agelets! Each Stetson is fronted with a brass vacuum-plated polystyrene shield even wider and taller than a fireman's hat shield, with a little flashing red LED at the peak.
Goddamn they will be beautiful! Everyone sports an Errol Flynn Robin Hood mustache, assuring diversity hiring for the women. Now, the sidearm. Every aspect of Homeland Severity demands dynamic entry (speed, surprise, and violence of action). They are Armies of One at the forefront of National Severity!
A Corfam® black ultrasuede belted quick-draw holster will be bowtied to the right thigh to compliment headgear severity. It will carry a pistol grip, hammerless, no safety, no choke, 15-inch long semi-automatic sawed-off 10 ga. shotgun. Maximum SAAMI pressure rating. The stick magazine carries five 3 1/2" 1350 ft/sec magnum shotshells each bearing 61 #4 Buck HEVI-Shot® tungsten-nickel-iron alloy pellets for Officially non-lethal crowd control. A round is always kept chambered and cocked.
The spare stick will load 10 gauge 3 oz. 1350 ft/sec (pile on the Blue Dot!) HEVI-Shot® Foster rifled slug shotshells to stop SUVs, Hummers, and tracked incursion vehicles. Given WWII statistics for first time parachutists, no Homeland Severity patriot will be allowed to discharge its sidearm during training. They will be pure of spirit and mind the first time they fire (the invincible Lancelot effect).
America will be severely secure and safe until the next unanticipated inevitable terrorist attack.
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