A COMPARATIVE GUIDE TO RELIGIONS

Agnosticism               Shit may or may not happen.
Apathism                  I don't care if shit happens.
Atheism                   Sheeit!
Baha'i                    Shit happens to everyone equally.
Baptist                   Gonna wash this shit right outta my hair!
Branch Davidianism        This shit really burns me up.
Buddhism                  If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Calvinism                 Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Cartesianism              I think, therefore shit happens.
Catholicism               Shit happens because you are BAD.
Channeling                Now happening as Shit.
Christian Science         Shit only happens within your mind.
Church of England         Excrement transpires.
Church of the Sub-Genius  Well, shit, Bob!
Confucianism              Confucius say, "shit happens."
Druidism                  Shit happens in the woods.
Episcopalianism           Shit happened to my ancestors.
est                       I acknowledge my shit.
Evangelism                Will you accept shit happening into your heart?
Existentialism            What is shit, anyway?
Heaven's Gate             The shit will fly!
Hedonism                  There is nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism                  This shit happened before.
Islam                     If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Jehovah's Witnesses       Knock, knock... shit happens.
Jim Jones                 Drink shit and die.
Judaism                   Why does shit always happen to me?
Krishna Consciousness     Shit happens, rama rama.
Mensa                     The top 2% of shit happening.
Lutheranism               Here shit happens; God help me, I can do no other.
Methodism                 Shit happens; support group available.
Moonies                   Only happy shit really happens.
Mormonism                 You must look closely at the turd.
New Age                   Shit is the Goddess.
Nihilism                  No shit!
Paganism                  Earth, air, fire, water, shit.
Presbyterianism           This shit happens to be too dear.
Protestantism             Let shit happen to somebody else.
Psychic                   Saw shit coming; got hit from behind.
Puritanism                Shit happens with our permission.
Quaker                    Geet thy shit together, Friend.
Rastafarianism            Let's smoke this shit.
Roman Catholicism         Christ died for your shit.
Santaria                  Don't even THINK of shitting on me!
Satanism                  Shit is the best part.
Schroedingerism           Shit does not happen until you observe it.
Scientific Methodism      Skatole-bearing anomalies materialize.
Scientology               Does shit happen?  (See page 469).
Shintoism                 Farts happen.
Seventh Day Adventism     No shit happens on Saturdays.
Stoicism                  This shit happens to be good for me.
Taoism                    Shit happens.
Televangelism             Send all your money or shit will happen.
Transcendental Meditation 7000 meditators make harmonious shit happen. 
Unitarianism              Shit happens; discussion at 2:00 pm.
United Church of Canada   Let us all share equally in shit happening.
Weight Watchers           You pay for excess shit at weigh-in.
Wicca                     Shit happens to be good fertilizer.
Zen                       What is the sound of one shit happening?
Zoroastrianism            Shit happens half the time.


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