RAPTURE INSURANCE

America has evolved from a manufacturing nation to an information, services and business administration nation. We gossip a bunch but produce nothing worth anything to anybody, and maintain an aura of affluence by trading money back and forth among the privileged while selling off the inventory and assets to foreign investors as a source of that cash. Intrinsic to the success of this venture, living exceeding well while eating our own eggs, is the removal of money from the middle class and the poor as interim financing. The state lotteries, billion dollar bond issues, and new and more wonderful revenue enhancement schemes - taxes - at all levels of government all work toward this end. We also enjoy the gifted amateurs who exhort and extort cashflow from their adherents the old fashioned way: Pay up or your business will suffer an unfortunate series of accidents; pay up or you will burn in hell for all eternity. I am not against this. I want a piece of the action.

There exits a large collection of Christian communities whose adherents are wonderfully labile toward reliably disbursing large sums of folding green in the utter absence of rational thought, observation, or cause-and-effect analysis, the Fundamentalists. For the Fundamentalists, there are but three classes of truth:

1. Those things that support their beliefs are accepted as literal truth,

2. Those things that irrelevant to their beliefs are accepted as supporting their beliefs, i.e., Group (B) is also Group (A), and

3. Those things that are distinctly contradictory to their beliefs are accepted as a test of faith and are accepted as supporting their beliefs, i.e., Group (C) is also Group (A). What a charmed existence that must be, encountering unshakable confirmation of your doctrines in all things that logically contradict those doctrines. Imagine the sales opportunities!

Let us not forget Group (D),

D) Anybody who questions or criticizes is thereby demonstrated unfit to judge. The Emperor always wears splendid heavenly habidashery.

Among the more interesting bits of dogma is the concept of Rapture, the physical levitation through the air into heaven of all worthy folks, including those who have been dead, buried, cremated... of all worthy people in their functional bodies and fully clothed, on THAT day. We assume that a rather large portion of the present and past population, starting with anyone who is not a Fundamentalist and no doubt extending to those who are not proper Fundamentalists, will be left behind to cope with sudden serious traffic jams and accidents, and shorter waiting lines at Fedco and K-Mart checkout lanes. The question arises, what will become of the sinful members of your family when you rise bodily into the sky to join the Great Whatsis on his throne?

Ladies and gentleman, good Christians all, come closer here that you might hear what I have to tell you! You know that you will be rising through the air in just a short time, rising through the air in Rapture I say to join in that heavenly choir! And you know, you know in your heart of hearts that there will be sinners left behind, sinners who will be denied that great joining for a thousand years! And you know, YOU KNOW that there are members of your family, your very family, who will be denied the great blessing because they have been lazy, or they are evil, or they lack that great wisdom and light which permeates your body every second of the day, that heavenly light that glows through your eyes and your very pores... (a brief 20 minute pause here, where its gets bit thick and sticky). What blessings will you bestow upon the weak members of your own flesh and blood, what Christian care will you take of them that they may persist as best they can over the next thousand years? RAPTURE INSURANCE ladies and gentlemen, RAPTURE INSURANCE from Mutual of Zion will be that silken thread binding the Pearl of Great Price, that Golden Thread eternally tying you to your loved ones as you are in heaven and they remain on earth!

RAPTURE INSURANCE from Mutual of Zion will create an annuity to keep from penury those of your family that stay behind. RAPTURE INSURANCE will assure the payment of their medical bills. RAPTURE INSURANCE will cover any damages incurred when your blessed family members rise right through the roof of your family car and the sinners are left behind to do as best they can, and repent. RAPTURE INSURANCE will be your everlasting watchful eye upon those too weak to drink fully from that holy cup, for a thousand years! RAPTURE INSURANCE, a mere $20 each month protects an entire family, a husband, a wife, up to five children (even adoptees), and up to four grandparents to give them everlasting financial protection should the Day of Rapture occur during the period of premium payment coverage. The everlasting knowledge of a Christian act of charity will be the springboard of your entrance into heaven! RAPTURE INSURANCE from Mutual of Zion!

If a paltry 200,000 families can be snookered into this theological Ponzi scheme, that is an actuarial risk of zero income of $48 million each year. Throw in compound interest, and that is quite a sum of money. I can hear the trumpets blowing triumphant even now! Hold all my calls, I will be spending the afternoon shopping for politicians.

To return to Uncle Al Outrage Central, click here
To view something awesomely strange...