LITTLE AFFINITY

What prevents an ethnic group from succeeding in America? Wallet-pillaging sniveling Liberal entitlements infallibly promoting cesspool bottom mud into mid-air levitation invariably exacerbate rather than cure. This demands more funding, more studies, and more need. The Berkeley Emergency Food Project, after some four decades of ending hunger, became the Berkeley Food Project with six-figure managerial salaries and benefits plus a much larger attracted problem to address. It works! Alas, it will not crush an immigrant population in bulk. The bottom 10% are forever enthusiastically with us while the other 90% covet rib-eye steaks.

Capitalism is about investment and accumulating gain. Success feeds upon itself. Stomp immigrants into the mud by diverting their meager nascent cash streams into evanescent celebrations of ethnic diversity. Mexicans are an especially ripe target for their ditzy Romanesque cult of Yahweh and for their quaint village ceremonies writ large in hydraulically lofted bouncing chrome and quinceaneras costing as much as four years in college. Which dad can get the drunkest at his daughter's coming out? Yahweh is especially proficient in stealing their futures by candlelight. Literally.

The Bright Glow factory in Pomona, CA outputs 80,000 big glass prayer candles each day. That is 20 million candles and retail $20 million up in smoke every year from just one religious fetish supplier. It is also 62 million pounds of carbon dioxide lofted into the atmosphere annually. It is good carbon dioxide, the kind emitted by Third World Countries, China, and India (by 180-nation UN sanction.) Nomadic Maasai have been stricken by cattle-killing drought attributable to climate change, Kenyan Enviro-whiner Looremetta said, but countries emitting global-warming gases are doing too little to help. Buy Maasai beef?

Massachusetts' Yankee Candle Co. waxed fat pushing $601.2 million in tiny flames in 2006. Annual US candle consumption is a $2 billion industry - all of it pumping astounding amounts of carbon dioxide into the air. It is good carbon dioxide, the kind that does not come out of a factory manufacturing durable goods.

Strict novena and related candle industries are limited by users' inability to kill themselves in sustainedly exponentiating droves. Viral advertising pushing square blocks of flames/altar for blood and tissue smears never lit. Bright Glow innovated with a new Fleur de Lys division. Aside from a subtle language problem versus its targeted demographic, it features "leather, mink, suede, cashmere, and silk" scents. Given the smell of burning any of those, what is wrong with this picture?

Treading within La Master Raza footsteps of Linda Ronstadt, Bella Guevara-Ludt (¿Che?) is stoking the scented flames and experimenting with sophisticated polymer additives that gel mineral oils for even cheaper inputs than paraffin. Mineral oil, being richer in hydrogen than paraffin by about 0.2 wt-%, can end Global Warming if only we burn enough of it. The subtleties of that argument need more study.

The Lucky Mojo Curio Company sells raw candle cores ("pull-outs") that insert into exhausted wide-mouth glass novenas. Narrow-mouth novenas, called "sanctuary style," cannot so be refilled. It is a retailing jungle out there, compete with disclaimers if you insert the wrong color wax into a graphic-illustrated glass sleeve. Never refill a conflated Mayan-Catholic deity-saint Maximon container and with a red for Saint Expedite. Your mother-in-law might break her fangs.

You have your mystical novena, jinx removing oil, reversible candle, geomantic patterns, name eleven times, astral candle, spiritual bath, name nine times, diviner priest, candle dressed, sympathetic magick, planetary angels, write your name, protection oil, protection from enemies, this candle, vigil lights, name three times, colored candle...

You have your psalm petition, fast luck, money drawing, black art, high John the Conqueror, dragon blood, King Solomon, Louisiana voodoo, road opener, suggested psalms, Tuesday emblem, Sunday emblem, block buster, get away, Song of Solomon, steady work, Wednesday emblem, bend over, cross of Caravaca, double cross, Jane Doe, John Smith, fire associated...

You have your anima sola, caridad del cobre, double virgins of Guadalupe and San Juan, guardian angel, holy death, holy trinity, Martha Dominadora (B&D/S&M cannot be too careful), Martin Caballero, Martin de Porres, mater dolorosa, miraculous virgin, Lady of Mount Carmel (a chewy heaped dessert treat?), infant of Atocha, perpetual help, petition and help, sacred heart of Jesus, seven African powers...

You have your Saint Alex, Anthony, Barbara, Christopher, Clare, Dymphna, Elias, Expedite, Joseph, Jude, Lazarus, Lucy, Michael, Peter, Raphael, Ramon...

Isn't that illuminating? In a future installment we may explore the mystical callings of helium-filled mylar balloons, plushies, flowers, corners torn from paper money, stylized graffiti, holy water, and other blessed fluids... You can feed and clothe your children or you can get in all close and tight with the polytheistic Christian God. How silly it would be to invest in this ephemeral life when an infinite afterlife hungrily awaits post mortem escrow.


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