STATE OF THE UNION LABEL

A joint session of Congress (an ardently odious parliament of liars, swindlers, and trollops) rises upon its hind legs as President Barak Obama enters the room. He confidently strides toward the elevated podium. Rahm Emmanuel follows behind, discreetly accepting pledges of support from everybody and their constituents who wish to survive the day.

"My fellow Americans, I am profoundly aware of the afflictions and agonies suffered by every citizen whose meager assets remaining after untold plies of taxation and mandatory confiscation have been cruelly diminished by Wall Street perfidies. My administration awarded more than six trillion dollars to bankrupt corporate engines of investment with a bare stern warning about again being exposed.

"No citizen need be concerned about a Hamptons' foreclosure. I have staffed every sensitive Federal financial position with insiders who are no longer for sale. Past Treasury Secretary Henry "Bend and Spread" Paulson, current Treasury Secretary Timothy "Timmy!" Geithner, and Federal Reserve Chairman Benjamin "Bullshit" Bernanke remain firmly in Wall Street palms.

"If you are a citizen, if you pay taxes, if you earn your way in the world by your own efforts, your continued sacrifices will support America. Yes we can! If you are one of the many who take rather than give, who are not citizens and live in fear and repletion, who are totally unproductive or massively reproductive, who are Officially Sad, you will receive benefits beyond all measure - for we remain compassionate.

"I have appointed to the Supreme Court a wise Latina who will give what cannot be earned, award what is not deserved, and ravage what has been created through personal endeavor and travail. No unqualified minority child need worry about college admission or tuition payment. No scion of patriarchal historic White Protestant European oppressors of Peoples of Colour need worry about college admission.

"I am here today to discuss the Democratic plan for mandatory American healthcare insurance payment and reimbursement denial, the National Ordered Collective Healthcare Endeavor. We maintain a crystal NOCHE vision of how all will contribute and the deserving will receive. Those who pay so much will pay much more. Those who take so much will receive much more. The two duties will remain dialectically, esoterically pure.

"I have discussed descending NOCHE with many people in isolated rooms. They are baffled as am I about any possible real time management of the system. This is the strength of National Ordered Collective Healthcare Endeavor, for where there is no coherent structure there can be no contingent failure. Advance financing is futility. NOCHE will operate in perpetual crisis mode wherein everything must be ponderously perpetrated without consideration of origins or destinations. There will be no lack of funding for there will be neither budget nor oversight. From each beyond his ability to give, to each according to situational social advocacy.

"A massive national healthcare database will reside in Redmond, WA. The most patched WinServer protocols will operate without backups for maximum security. Any taxpayer in sudden healthcare need, anywhere at any time, will be handed formidable sheafs of minutely lettered forms plus National Paperwork Reduction Act compliance verification documentation. Completed forms containing every possible bit of information about involved individuals will be collected, bundled, faxed to Redmond, OCR scanned, and eventually punctiliously compared to fiducial database entries. I promise you there will be no HMO excuses for delayed denial of claims.

"We admit that NOCHE will be initially silent toward data documentation of genetic, developmental, and behavioral trash; reproductive warriors, religious hind gut fermenters, drug addicts, Enviro-whiner Luddites; the stupid, the pathetic, and the Officially Sad. As documents await verification, excess system capacity will be showered upon the Offically undocumented. We maintain full faith and expectation that the system will work as planned.

"Our incessant irritation of the Muslim Middle East hardly costs more than $5 billion/month in situ. Were we not committed to this honorable path Washington could supply everybody's gasoline gratis. Saving the little children who already get everything for free, our NOCHE in shining armor will hardly cost more than 30 times that, initially. We have always been at war with the Middle East. We must seize the opportunity to render that crushing cost in money and lives utterly insignificant compared to the cost in money and lives of National Ordered Collective Healthcare Endeavor.

"Were 60 million Baby Boomers to retire at age 62, slamming their infinitely plunderable wallets shut as they did so, Social Security and Medicare would implode by 2015. I pledge to you that National Ordered Collective Healthcare Endeavor can end that threat by 2012, with few Boomers remaining.

"Thank you, and good night."


To return to Uncle Al Outrage Central, click here CAT SPIT