ASK DR. SCHUND

Dr. Schund, how can we supply America with all its electricity,  too cheap to meter, using technology no more advanced than a  tethered jackass?

Northern Alaska is awash in petroleum. ANWAR was already known  to contain at least 10 elephants (billion bbl reservoirs) in the  late 1970s. Being hard by Prudhoe Bay, 90% of the necessary  pipeline is already in place. ANWAR is flat windswept -40 degree  bottommost frozen circle of Hell in winter. Surface defrosted it  is an infinite shallow swamp eructating so many mosquitoes and  black flies that the sun dims behind their hovering clouds.  ANWAR is a pristine Enviro-whiner paradise whose oil is Gaia's  never to be blown sacred snot.

Burn algae. At 100% efficiency it would require only 15,000 mi2 of culture ponds to fuel America! (At real world 10% efficiency start to finish it would need 150,000 mi2, but we have lots of home foreclosures. Land is cheap - and a good investment.) Synthetic algae culture was massively government- and moron-subsidized. Grand facilities were built, giant sunlit vats or ponds were erected, then thermodynamics farted in its general  direction. Check out www.oilgae.com - "New Powerful Laser System  Could Create Fusion Energy from Waste."

Bionavita (sunny Redmond, WA), Algae Venture Systems (sunny  Marysville, OH), PetroSun (sun-blasted Rio Honda, Texas, algae  capital of the world!), Solazyme (sunny San Fancisco, CA),  GreenFuel Technologies (sunny Cambridge, MA), Sapphire Energy  (1000-liter plastic bags of algae), Blue Marble Energy (sunny  Seattle, WA), Inventure Chemical (sunny Seattle, WA), Solena  (sunny Washington, DC), Live Fuels (sunny Menlo Park, CA), Solix  Biofuels (sunny Berkeley, CA), Aurora Biofuels (sunny San  Francisco, CA), Aquaflow Binomics (sunny New Zealand), Bionavitas  (sunny Snoqualmie, WA), Mighty Algae Biofuels (have they no  shame? Sunny Redwood City, CA), Bodega Algae (sunny Cambridge,  MA), Seambiotic (Israel. Due for a pro-active Muslim incursion),  Cellena (Kina, HI; carefully sabotaged by Shell in the nicest  possible ways).

All New Age, post-industrial, Gen-Y energy hallucinations from  fuel ethanol to desert giant solar arrays melting salt are  ludicrous. The largest consumer of natural gas in Canukistan is  its Athabasca tar sands, ostensibly producing "cheap" petroleum.  That Enviro-pig merely digs the crap out of the ground and  separates away the dirt.

Ponderously expensive consultancies (friends of friends) did  lunch, played a round of golf, then ruminated contextual  historicity of America's energy predicament over brandy and  cigars. Nuclear power was terrible. It still worked despite the  EPA. 1850s' whale oil crisis was solved by petroleum. 1700s'  Great Britain answered deforestation with coal. Dang, aren't Šthose what we use today?

Egypt enslaved Jews. It was like American agriculture and  Mexicans, except the Jews wanted to leave. Taxpayers were  already well broken feeding the Officially Sad (and paying user  fees for the privilege lest the privileged unduly sacrifice).  Why not sweat them for another ducat? They were too fat  according to Official statistics. Put some fat into the fire.

Washington shortly thereafter announced the National Energy  Volunteer Endeavor. Purchased at their own expense (by law) to  make America strong, every taxpayer was required to briefly run a  treadmill each day to contribute a mere 1 kW-hr of electricity  into the grid. Penalty for NEVER violation was set at $100/day  and given enforcement priority. Federal employees and the  Officially Sad were exempt.

Run the numbers. 1 kw-hr = 860.637 Calories. The average adult  burns 2000 Calories/day. American wallets were exsanguinated but  American paunches, butts, and thighs were virgin territories all  but begging for Federal penetration. NEVER was no more heinous a  withdrawal than Federal plus Social Security and Medicare taxes.

The average person can sustain 150 watts of work . NEVER would  be a minor morning chore, less then seven hours, to safeguard  America against foreign energy terrorism. Taxpayers could  alternatively volunteer $36,500/year and buy their way out - like  using the commuter lane while driving an 11 mpg 2007 Dodge RAM  1500 with air conditioner and surround sound blasting.

3500 Calories reside in one pound of body fat. All Washington  wanted was 90 lbs of your flesh every year. That leaves you  plenty. US annual electrical generation is 4.1 TW-hrs. 100  million taxpayers doing their daily duty would generate

(108 taxpayers)(1000 watt-hrs/day)(365.2442 days/year)/(1012 watt-hrs/TW-hrs) = 36.52 TW-hr electricity/year.

We'd be rolling in electricity - too cheap to meter! 100%  rechargeable battery cars and still, too cheap to meter! Zero  fossil fuel emissions, zero nukular piles, zero fuel corn from  maize pimp Archer-Daniels-Midland and still... too cheap to  meter!

It was a TOP SECRET/Lotus Eater disaster. Every electric utility  would be exposed as the politically connected criminal enterprise  it was. In a twitch of racial and ethnic jackbooted State  compassion, America will not be deluged by blackouts this summer.  It will be brownouts all this year. Send your complaints to Mexico.


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