MIGRANT PHARM WORKER

The United States is beset by a growing population of drifting itinerant unindentured vassals eking out a marginal livelihood by bartering their overabundant labor to feudal managers and state institutions. They abundantly flow over our borders and flood our cities. They congregate in the meanest collections of hovels. Their chintzy chattels are eyesores of clutter. Our social services and our entire civilization are drowning in PhDs and engineers. Our schools turn them out like hay from alfalfa fields. They beg for research grants and post-docs and mostly end up doing fries at Mickey D's. They are crude, rude, dysfunctional and insane. They are unacceptably divorced from our vibrant national culture of business management, political barter, leisure services, and liquidation of capital assets and domestic real estate to foreign brokers. I know. I tread the muddy roads resume in hand, the ragged computer-generated sign about my neck proclaiming "WILL PURSUE RESEARCH FOR FOOD."

I was the lead scientist at a succession of pharmacological and biomedical manufacturers. Now I am but a migrant pharm worker. Does anybody need a cure for cancer or an ecologically sound weapon of mass destruction? I can program in eight computer languages, honcho symbolic math, optimize CAD/CAM, run FTIR, FT-NMR, GC-MS, UV-Vis, TG/DSC; comply with EPA, FDA, DOT, Mil-Spec and ASTM protocols; type, spell, and do simple sums. Hey buddy, can you spare a glass-lined Pfaudler kettle?

The unclean followers of Ned Lud sought to destroy nascent factories to reestablish their cherished crudities of cottage manufacture. The British fascination with the "rights" of labor persists to this day to give succor to a pathetic "nation of shopkeepers" where K-marts and their severely discounted prices would otherwise flourish. The Labour Party periodically seizes the reins of government and reduces its country to the squalid economic derangement achievable only within Socialist doctrine. A Margaret Thatcher is then elected. When after interminable pain the books are in danger of finally balancing, Labour is reinstalled and proceeds to plunder the Exchequer again.

America has discovered the Luddite probity of Enviro-whinerism - that philosophy and dialectic in militant contradiction to the concept of productivity. The evolutionary insignificance of the spotted owl living amidst the forests of Washington State and Oregon is balanced against the US lumber and housing industries. Better that a mouse-eating bird extend its transient persistence than a quarter billion citizens experience economic recovery. Better that an illusionary Ozone Hole be venerated than a nation's refrigerators, air conditioners, and medical and electronic equipment manufacturers be allowed to prevail. Better that a Greenhouse Effect be divined from mammoth and obscure computer models and its myth expensively worshipped than fossil fuel be abundantly and inexpensively available to refire the economic might of a country succumbing to malignant government.

Effete and reprobate science whores recruited by venal and corrupt politicians spew technobabble and psychobabble in support of ever more heinous regulations, ever-increasing taxes and arcane administrative penalties of such magnitude that the hypocritical champions of religious tithing blanch with envy.

Individuals once engaged in valiant struggles over a garage lathe or a kitchen chemistry set to create the phonograph or DDT and personally lift themselves into economic independence by creating something the world desperately wanted in trade for cash. Such effrontery is now vigilantly quashed by an alphabet soup of government agencies; an imponderable set of local, state and Federal laws governing business; and the occasional War on Drugs or other expansive mummery that will shove its large caliber gun barrel in your mouth at 0200 hrs for your own good.

What is a scientist to do? I left my fears behind me when I signed up with Coyote, Inc. - the hot, new scholar telemarketing and export service. For only $2000 down and $25,000 upon placement they will smuggle me into lands where the streets are paved with interface-compatibilized boron fibers in a toughened epoxy matrix. Eighty of us will voyage in a sixteen-wheeler with a green hides manifest at night to cross the Canukistani border and enter a new era of opportunity. My own personal project will create a breakthrough in agricultural principles to herald a new era of abundant food for all: "Linear Algebraic Optimization of Mechano-Logical Implementation of Large Scale Wheat Harvest by Anthropomorphic Labor Reservoirs Retaining Advanced Degrees."


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