ASK DR. SCHUND

Dr. Schund, I have spent my entire life working for a living and being forced to eat it. I want to earn an MBA and dish it out. What kind of essay on my application form will assure me of admission to an MBA program and an enormously lucrative academic scholarship like diversity basketball players get?

Gaining entry into an MBA program is easy once your realize that given a choice between torturing small animals and making big bucks, the correct MBA answer is "yes." Here is your essay.

My motivation and reason for applying to the XXXXXX School of Business in pursuit of an MBA is entirely straightforward: The knowledge and mystique attendant with the granting of an MBA will aid me in the personal aggrandizement of power and wealth in an era of corruption, legal minutia, tax code exploitation, arbitrage, junk bonds, and Quantitative Easement. I find the process and product of capital and resource deployment optimization to be fascinating, as is the attendant bloodshed and distribution of the spoils.

My attractiveness to the XXXXXX School of Business is equally straightforward: A school possessed of only modest national ranking disproportionately benefits from superior graduates. It disproportionately benefits from their alumni donations, too. This has been proven mathematically. The advantage, A, potentially realized from a number of superior graduates, n, of mean capability, C, is

A = Cn(n-1)/2

Note the squared term - networking engenders a nonlinear advantage. Folks who aplaud your MBA output talk amongst themselves and boost you further. (If you do not see the squared term, I will apply elsewhere.)

The traditional approach to success in American business has been the establishment of a personally owned endeavor followed by maximization of market share and optimization of profits. Formal academic training in accountancy, publicity, the theory of business, and the uses of capital were beneficial, but adequate skills could be otherwise accessed.

Slowly beginning with Roosevelt's "New Deal" and accelerating beyond all rational belief with Johnson's "Great Society," Federal and state governments confiscated from the productive and lavished upon the unproductive, less user fees. They increasingly co-opted traditional family support of the elderly, of medical costs, of charity, of even gainful support of adults and offspring. What was paid for out of pocket and cost dearly was now available for free at hugely increased costs - unless you pre-paid for it. If you pay up front you are unqualified to receive. You would be stealing from the deserving.

By acquiring a purchased constituency and an enormous source of funds for skimming, these governments simultaneously and paradoxically incurred a massive and burgeoning hunger for ever more funds. Hence the co-evolution of complex and comprehensive schemes for taxation and other means of revenue enhancement (RICOH confiscation of all possessions upon criminal indictment, likewise drug confiscations, Federal user fees, etc.) to divert the funds traditionally set aside for industrial development and personal advancement, mortgages, etc., into government coffers. Thus heralded, the MBA came to fruition.

MBAs are capable of exploiting arcane and tortuous tax codes and capital laundering schemes to the employer's benefit (thereby maximizing parameterized discounted cash flow return on investment). They are trained to create attractive near-term performance demanded by big block stock traders such as pension funds and insurance companies. The MBA became the weapon of modern business practice. No longer devoted to long term gain and growth, American business became a shell game of arbitrage, tax manipulation, and facade. The MBA business manager, skilled in the theoretical art of management but essentially untutored in any real aspect of capital development or salesmanship, was the financial modality (joining with equally swelling ranks of lawyers as the legal modality) through which the game was played and continues to be played. The Chinese retained a rather different outlook, as reflected in their balance of trade. Of course, they do not get to wear red leather braces and purple power ties.

Having read the preceding paragraphs, if you are in disagreement with my thesis, I question your fitness to be part of the MBA program.

I look forward to receiving my notice of acceptance by hand-delivered Federal Express Priority Mail tomorrow morning. Schools will be considered in order of scholarship monies offered, with special attention for those communications accompanied by a 10%-of-offered-scholarship non-refundable consideration fee.

Dr. Schund expects 20% of an accepted applicant's first year's pre-tax salary as his consultation fee, payable in small, used bills. There are contractees who neglected to pay up. Most of them were discovered working for Enron and Worldcom at inopportune moments in time.


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