DR. SCHUND

Dr. Schund, how can we reconcile physical reality with the existence of Masters degrees in sociology?

Dr. Schund has at tremendous continuing government expense founded the Institute for Scientific Ethnoanthropoesy. Billions of dollars heretofore wasted publishing empirical and theoretical musings guaranteed to be rendered obsolete within only a few years can now be invested in rigorous investigation compellingly secure to future inquiry - eternally enduring wisdom.

A list of Institute for Scientific Ethnoanthropoesy research follows. We have seen the future, and it needs further study:

The development of an instrument for the assessment of obesity-related cognitions.

Discontinuous stochastic differential models of psychological anomalies accompanying 359 student health center surgeries performed without anesthesia.

Two level nested hierarchical linear model with random intercepts via the bootstrap.

Campus rodent control enacted through the selective application of confiscated recreational pharmaceuticals and drugs of abuse.

Motivations, bilateral relations, and $1 million contributors: A case study of a Southwestern university.

Regression analysis of distaff matriculant axillary hirsuitism as a predictive socio-economic barometer of post-partum political party affiliation.

Actual and ideal ratings of the emergency evacuation procedures as perceived by selected members of the International Association of Auditorium Managers in publicly and privately owned facilities.

Potentiostatic vs. amperostatic techniques for quantifying honor code violations: Stimulated voluntary compliance among fraternity members.

The effects of contextual inference and three levels of difficulty on the acquisition, retention, and transfer of hockey striking skills by second-grade children.

A remarkable observation of reproducible intercellular matrix dissolution in an undergraduate chemistry laboratory.

The relationship between student accident frequency rates and school administrator's perception of the school safety program.

Recidivism among solvent inhalation-challenged First Americans presumptively dehabituated through progressive octane diminution.

An examination of freshman to senior gains across a national sample of institutions with different general education requirements using a mixed effect structural equation.

Somatic stress-strain relationships near the yield point for subjects mounted within a reconstructed 15th Century Spanish rack with pawl and ratchet escapement.

A study of the relationship between no-need merit scholarship program participation and the social and academic integration, institutional and goal commitment and college grades of academically talented students

Non-adiabatic kinetic dissipation among impacted sets of dormitory residents during a Richter 9.15 temblor simulated by sequential detonation of energetic materials.

Academic performance enhancements secondary to flogging in a maximum security correctional facility for adolescents.

Attempted selective breeding for enhanced human intelligence between tenured faculty emeritus and female undergraduates.

Quantification of transient cognitive deficits among hockey spectators subsequent to rectal insufflation with pilsner versus lager beers of varying ethanol contents.

Frequency-doubled Nd-YAG picosecond photostimulated necrosis in chromophore-sensitized tuition-paying organisms.

Resonant interactions between induced current thermolysis of body piercings and high voltage center-tapped power transformers.

Selective progressive essential nutrient ablation in college food service meals and its effect upon integrated acoustic intensity peripheral to clustered campus statuary.

(Funny, eh? Dr. Schund naughtily borrowed eight titles from scholarly theses:

Dissertation Abstracts International
53(11) (1993): 3816-A,3818-A
53(10) (1993): 3450-A,3455-A
53(9) (1993): 3137-A,3139-A,3145A,3183-A

There exist some studies which even the Institute for Scientific Ethnoanthropoesy is too embarrassed to touch. Can you identify all eight erudite sludge puddles?


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