Anybody who has gone camping with human females is apprised of a glaring reality that they did not evolve in the wild. Distaff Homo sapiens were extirpated by ancestors of present day UFO drivers that so beleaguer aluminum foil beanie-wearing folks. Whatever fiendish appliance of planetary conquest was inserted in place of female humans went seriously awry, much as its wielders degenerated into star hopping extraterrestrial proctologists. The female genito-urinary tract is a Super Fund site proving God is not a girl, is not omniscient, and has a foul sense of humor (possibly subcontracted to a civil engineer). Be that as it may, "client/seekers" can grab a quick $15,000 boon by surfing http://www.innocentive.com/ and thereafter presenting a liter of artificial menstrual fluid to spec, plus its recipe.
The sequestration of exuded menses was a ragged hit or miss affair from the dim beginnings of clothing through the 1970s. Discovery of super slurper polymers made it possible to swiftly immobilize outrageous volumes of fluid within small initial volumes as fabric-bound gels. This revolutionized disposable baby diapers, adult diapers... and after grappling with toxic shock syndrome, feminine hygiene products. The march of science is stymied by a lack of storable hogsheads of standardized simulant (e.g., US Patent 5,883,231) with which to perform thousands of device engineering optimizations. All that obtains without statistics is a furious tap dance of wings, shields, and propagandistic swill like "feeling fresh." Squish squish.
The Biology of the Fluids of the Female Genital Tract, FK Beller and GFB Schumacher, eds., (Elsevier North Holland Inc. 1979) pp. 231-245
Do not imagine this will be a cakewalk! You must meet specifications for static, shear, and extensional viscosities (non-Newtonian fluid); density, yield stress, refractive index, surface tension, pH, water content, "stringiness"... The simulant must be stable to prolonged storage and to four hours of body temperature during testing. One must provide "a comparison to these same physical characteristics of real menses."
Now there's a quality control line nobody will envy.
"Client/seekers" pursuing this puppy had best have written approval from the EPA, Haz-Mat, OSHA, NOW, Earth First!, Hadassah, the Daughters of Bilitis, Gloria Allred, and the Mitchell Brothers. One can only imagine the sublime science fiction/fantasy apparatus that collects highly perishable natural material for quantitative comparative testing. "Provide detailed description of the methodology used to measure the fluid properties/characteristics." This video will not be sold in any store, though Girl Scouts may abandon the cookie business for a superior projected DCF/ROI enterprise.
There are stringent stipulations about sodium, calcium, magnesium, iron, copper, potassium, zinc, chloride, phosphate, sulfate, and nitrate concentrations. There are stringent stipulations about protein, nitrogen, urea, uric acid, creatinine, amino acids, blood sugars, glycogen, lactic acid, fatty acids, total cholesterol, free cholesterol, hemoglobin, and bilirubin concentrations. Finally,
"The proposal should be no longer than five typed pages."
What are we to make of this? Color, scent, and flavor are wild cards, suggesting this is not a crypto-solicitation by the Church of Satan whose oversubscription by enthusiastic hordes has its hemoliferous sacramental chalices drained bone dry. It might be subtle misdirection toward a nascent breakfast drink. Do something nice in mocha latte or orange with a hint of chocolate.
Innocentive appears to present scores of highly remunerative prospects for a migrant pharm worker with time on his unemployed hands. Can you say "appalling trespass upon professionals?" The boons contain no provision for reimbursement of research, development, or sample production expenses; nor are royalties or other ongoing compensation for use awarded. Even 0.1% royalty on a $billion in sales annually is a pretty good deal, year after year. Patent and trademark rights are ceded. One is constrained by a secrecy agreement - no publication. It resembles an abusive relationship much like employment less free coffee.
Innocentive does have one killer application: If I were teaching a graduate-level synthesis course filled with talented innocents, I would assign some goodies for extra credit. Anybody who pulled it off would thereby get an A and make me a nice little pile of folding green. They had better be quick about it, too! Even US money has been feminized, caponized, counseled, socially engineered, and compassionized into a loathsome milquetoast plague of pastels starting the Crash of 2010.
Billy Bob Snirk of Poteen, Arkansas may know something, aluminum foil beanie or no. Universities base freshman admissions upon disqualification. A culture of cripples, drug addicts, louts, and feminists preferentially hires the most undesirable applicants - by law. We observe a frenzy of middle-aged Baby Boomer colonic spelunking by a medical establishment beholden to MBAs. That fiendish appliance of planetary conquest is not broken at all! It has engaged its spin cycle. Will we all be hung out to dry thereafter?
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