The $3.26 billion Cassini-Huygens spacecraft now orbiting Saturn is a marvel of technological excellence and computational perseveration. Mildy curiousity about the coloration of Iapetus and the chemistry of Saturn's cryogenic liquid smog moon Titan abounds. Oodles of pretty pictures and data are being returned. Casinni's impact upon First World civilization will be asymptotic to zero.
"We are here on Staten Island, NY digging into the world's largest landfill with telecommuting robotic probes. Ooooh! Look at this! Look at that! Might that be an old partially eaten frankfurter amenable to carbon-14 accelerator mass spectrometry isotopic dating?"
NASA today announced its program for "A Return to Staten Island." NASA Director Emeritus Sean O'Keefe boldy demanded that "more studies are needed," and pledged a total reorganization of NASA. A lean, mean, man-in-Staten Island machine will be wrought to pursue the promises of Mission Earth, Return to Mission Earth, and Return to Mission Earth This Time Without Killing Lots of Astronauts and a Tenured Pedagogic Engineer (kindergarten teacher). O'Keefe's first bold managerial revolution was to preferentially employ letters found earlier in the alphabet.
Said O'Keefe, "We cannot continue to employ and deplete high-byte characters in our inter-office memoranda when so many low-byte characters accumulate and must be recycled at enormous public expense. Augmenting our perpetual quest for smaller, faster, safer, and more completely budgeted at lower risk... Every scrap of letterhead, post-it note, pencil, business card, bathroom safety placard, every capital equipment sticker will be confiscated and replaced with our new byte-sparing acronym NADA."
When queried about the leading "N," O'Keefe replied, "After fully restructuring the National Aeronautics and Desuetude Association, we will begin intensive studies of further benchmarks toward our eventual bold goal of AAAA - the American Association Abetting Astronauts. Chinese taikonauts will beg to eat our sustainable development bytes."
President John Kerry, elected when a Wisconsin housewife leaned over an electronic election tablet and cast the irrevocable deciding vote with her pierced left nipple, said that studied compromise and a vigorous call to caution were indicated.
"It is not enough for me to straddle the issue, "said President Kerry, "I call upon all true Americans to join me in straddling the issue lengthwise. What sacrifices must be made, abundantly to the limits of our national will, will be made by my fellow Americans."
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/space/06/18/space.shuttle.ap/index.html
Asstronaughts will be given chewing gum to repair "small holes" in the Space Scuttle's wings caused by disintegrating thermal insulation on the external fuel tank durng liftoff. Another tonne of Space Scuttle potential payload will be sacrificed to further safety considerations, including a 50-fit extension to its robot arm so the Space Scuttle can check out its own armpits and exhaust hole. The obvious solution of an asstronaught doing a walk-around in orbit was rejected for "being associated with unknown hazards" (unable to deliver political pork to favored contractors).
Using Enviro-whiner extrapolation software predictive of the Greenhouse Effect, the Ozone Hole, Yucca Mountain nuclear storage, climate over the next 10,000 years, military intervention in Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, and Pacoima, CA; child-endangering precipitous decline of the fragile and endangered giant flying vampire toad... By 2050 the Space Scuttle will have a -3 ton payload. Lighting it off will drill it into the ground, contaminating the Florida water table with perchlorates and bullshit.
NASA has begun immediate intensive studies toward installing a Space Scuttle manual transmission. By reversing the direction of negative trajectory, it is hoped the Space Scuttle with its weight exceeding its engines' thrust will perform the obvious algebraic operation. A heavier Space Scuttle will then be a more successful Space Scuttle. Said NASA Director Emeritus Sean O'Keefe,
"By throwing the Space Scuttle into reverse when it is too heavy to loft, it will rise into the sky. Potential civilian spinoff potential is potentially enormous."
Public reaction was immediate and intense. The National Organization for Women loudly condemned O'Keefe's message as being "hate language directed toward women." O'Keefe then disclosed that his press conference had been cut short. Lubavitch Chabad was outraged, demanding fair business practice.
"NASA has assigned top priority to engineering a Space Scuttle automatic transmission in a different pastel color for each Space Scuttle. Female asstronaughts will be given first priority to compensate for past inequities."
Are you an other-abled oppressed single mother woman of Colour with HIV and a diverse sexual orientation? NASA Human Factors Engineering (Personnel) wants to send you into orbit! If you or a friend can write your name on an application, you are already well on your way to serving your country while laying flat on your back.