(This was originaly written almost two decades ago. Dear Reader can appreciate the folly of not letting Dr. Schund dictate morons' managerial decisions.)
Dr. Schund, what is the most cost effective route to the political and psychological disassembly of Iraq?
The entirety of the Iraqi political, religious and social structure could be destroyed by the intelligent application of the contents of a single Iowa farm - most of it already seized as government surplus or subsidized production.
The United States, indeed the whole of civilization, has found it inconvenient to have our insane dictators dictated to by lesser insane dictators. When our imported supply of a vital economic keystone is held threatened by the locals for purposes of political extortion, we discover a human rights violation or a democracy in peril, and beat the living crap out of them diplomatically or with knives. This is not to be confused with Korea or Vietnam, which were primarily recreational exercises.
Then again, this is definitely to be confused with Korea or Vietnam, which were primarily recreational exercises in sending money to folks who would thereafter employ unemployed politicians.
Due to the pervasive discernment of busybodies like Cable News Network, bringing unfolding truth into the living rooms of the voters in real time rather than allowing an adequate interval for history to be properly written, our warriors strain under the thumbs and fears of milquetoast politicians. It is not that killing 100,000 of the foreign opposition is intrinsically unacceptable before God or man. More to the point, will killing those 100,000 belligerent souls increase one's popularity in the polls and boost the Dow Jones-average?
In point of empirical fact, no. Having lost sight of our goals we must redouble our efforts. Soldiers don't kill themselves. (They do, suiciding in droves, and are thereafter reprimanded if they used US goverment chattels to do it.)
We thus come upon the sorry martial debacle of a brilliant set of military tacticians, four star generals Colin Powell and Norman Schwarzkopf, seizing a once-in-a-generation opportunity to liquidate a very large number of people who
With the might, leadership, soldiers, and will of America held within the grasp of their balled fists, Generals were gelded by the nasal whine of Bush the Elder feverishly trying to weigh a military victory against the effect at the polls of those progressively filling body bags. He found out.
Gee Mr. President, we have 700,000 fighting soldiers in the field and almost 60 of them died during hostilities. Did those crying mothers reregister as Democrats? How 'bout the 5000 cryign mothers to come?
It is said that the war cost upwards of one thousand million dollars each day and, in retrospect, the Bush-ordered early cessation of hostilities left Saddam Hussein in firm and unwavering control of Iraq with the firm core of his armed forces intact and hostile. If you want to destroy the will of fanatical followers of Islam, you do not bomb and blast away their technological infrastructure, delivering them into the fourteenth century. They have never left the fourteenth century. If you want to destroy the will of fanatical followers of Islam, you hit them at the exact locus, the perfect center, of their fanaticism. You take the blackened faces of those Koran-waving swine and rub them in the bristly faces of our god-blessed Iowa swine!
Imagine a 400 pound hog with a smart bomb assembly strapped to his snout and guidance fins strapped to his hams. Drop those porkers down the airshafts of mosques, bomb shelters, barracks, and strategic headquarters. Imagine what tens of thousands of pounds of highly dispersed kinetic pig debris (Smart Pig Air-dropped Munition) will do to Iraqi morale when every square inch of Iraq with any religious significance is defiled. Win the war in less than a week. SPAM the ragheads!
Single munitions have their place, but food dumps and military reservations cover vast acreages. B-52s laden with cluster sows will carpet-pork everything, multiple independently targeted piglets allowing broad coverage with a minimum payload. Giant C5A transports will be converted to tanker spray planes and filled with hundreds of tons of molten lard. Vast Iraqi acreages will be rendered Muslim-free within minutes. Green Beret infiltration teams will sneak jars of pickled pigs' feet into Saddam Hussein's latrine and hamhocks onto his breakfast tray. He will awaken in bed one morning to find the bloody head of a 900 pound boar tickling his toes. He will slip his adorable little feet into pigskin loafers, and go insane.
Only one action remains undone to gild the splendid psychological devastation and political dismemberment of Iraq. In the finest spirit of affirmative action and equal opportunity, the Foggy Bottom diplomat in charge of reparation negotiations must be surnamed "Manteca."