Outrageous On-Line Uncle Al

These are works of fiction. There is no attempt made nor desire extant to libel or otherwise cause malicious damage, loss, public contempt, defamation, blasphemy, treason, sedition, or ridicule to persons, cabals, governments, institutions, corporations, or assemblies of inanimate objects, alien lifeforms, microorganisms, clergy, vegetables, animals, or observed spatio-temporal reality.

If it is found that any extant entity or collection of entities maintains an uncomfortable congruence to the caricatures and ridiculous comedic exaggerations contained herein, the author offers his apologies and condolences...

...and if you are still pissed off, you are invited to go pound sand up your ass.
Conciliation has its limits.

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Carnivore/DCS1000, RIP, Altivore, ECHELON, WinWhatWhere...
It's the Keystroke Kops!

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New Weapons of Mass Consumption
Week 562!

Dr. Schund offers hope in a time of pan-global economic depression. Dr. Schund hopes four billion of you will recycle yourselves (and not stink up the planet while doing it).

• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund is bidding on a Pentagon contract to build a matter-antimatter propulsion unit. Does anyone know an engineer nicknamed "Scotty?"
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund, avatar of all that is tax deductible, explores the evolution and successful resolution of the Arms Race,
• Ask Dr. Schund
  The Balkans have always been a sore thumb in the fist of civilization. Dr. Schund explores their strange obsession with exotic atrocities and perpetual revenge.
• Uncle Al's Ant Blaster
  When you crawl all over Uncle Al's dirty dishes, your chromosomes are his playthings.
• The Bicycle
  Some bicycles are ridden for fun, others for social status or athletic glory. Join Uncle Al as he does 50 miles through the mountains, making objectionable body fat shriek.

• Jail Babes
  http://www.jailbabes.com/ lists over 1000, ah, detained females anxious for pen pals. Would you like to contact Lakreasha, Shuntina, or Dyiena?
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund exposes an intergalactic butterfat extortion ring. Either we pay up or they confiscate our sun!
• Ask Dr. Schund
  What do the Bay of Fundy, nuclear and chemical weapons, and 1900s safes have in common? Dr. Schund knows!
• The Average of Men's souls
  Does the whole of individual - or at least allied group - reality corkscrew down to a trifling number trivially obtained? It may indeed.
• Bred to the Task
  The "Ugly American" was in every way superior to the descendants of indigenous Europeans. The politically correct American is an economic, cultural, and political shambles.
• The Patron Saint of Lost Causes
  What happens when a saint's graven image is encased within a synthetic diamond film? It will take your breath away!
• Ask Dr. Schund
  The most extraordinary minds ever to grace terrestrial hot tubs set out to expunge a half trillion pounds of human meat while securing a profit.
• Boalt Hall Reunion
  "Inert intelligence is the paradigm of institutional racism!" Uncle Al attended his sweetie's 20th class reunion.
• The National Education Crisis
  Move over War on Drugs and National Health Care Crises. We are locked and loaded for the National War on Education! Does your child think?
• In Praise of Animal Testing
  Animal rights advocates would have us substitute computer programs for drug testing protocols. Would you sacrifice your mother to spare a lab rat?
• Hooked on Differential Equations
  Hum along with Twisted Sister, Metallica, The Dead Kennedys, Ozzy Osborne, and Queen Latifa as we musically explore "Hooked on Differential Equations."
• Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
  Why did the chicken cross the road? The Internet polls intellectual luminaries to find out.
• The Army and the Chicken
  "Why did the chicken cross the road?" The Army knows!
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund exposes the wellspring of human thought. Were psychiatrists to pop patients with big chromed hammers they would get callouses on their hands like common laborers.
• Why Intelligence?
  What a punch line it would be if the whole of physical science, technology, and engineering were swept away by a perfect flicker of thought. Would the thinker retain a sense of humor?
• Pesto Traumatic Stress Syndrome
  Uncle Al returned home after the Los Angeles riots to find his Linda consumed by Pesto Traumatic Stress Syndrome!
• Lukschen Kugle
  Uncle Al survived to adulthood sustained by the healthful calories and nutrients found in lukschen kugel, and rarely elsewhere in his mother's otherwise awful cooking.
• One Cell, One Livestock, 1500 Dinners
  The University of Victoria, British Columbia, People's Republic of Canada puts forth some biologically unusual cuisine in its campus cafeterias.
• Turkey Kielbasa
  No Señor Turkey employee has gone back for a second free helping of New and Improved! Senor Turkey Kielbasa, ever.
• The Margarine Did It
  You bought it, you ate it, and you are going to pay for it in ways you never imagined. Parkay-239 is now in the dairy section of your local supermarket.

Uncle Al says, "If you wish to make an apple pie you must first make the universe."

Beware cultures grown comfortable within their ancestors' nightmares. FIGHT BACK! The future is wrought by the gifted - you, for instance. A clever person would click for apotheosis: