Uncle Al is irremediably distraught that former President Reagan was conducted to his final rest in a hearse less chromed spinners on its wheels. Perhaps Jesse Jackson will be just beneficiary of consecrated sepulchral bling bling on his stretched low-rider Ford Excursion SUV limo-hearse. Set a target date and start collections, less user fees and expense chit reimbursements, now. With your help and very generous donations it could be a super-stretched black Hummer H2 blocking two lanes of traffic (with spinners on its geared hubs).
Let us join to bring the funeral industry into the 21st century.
SLURRY SEAL Run the deceased through a chipper and pump product into a grave to enjoy a full six foot interment depth. Splendid economies of scale and rapid kinetics obtain for mass atrocity burials. Inevitable do-gooders who demand archeological disinterment of remains for political statistics at subsidized compassionately huge expense will be bedeviled.
CHOCOLATE COATING Place the deceased into a visually attractive sweet shell of chocolatey goodness. A he-man's corpse plastered with makeup is pooftery of the meanest sort. Exemplars:
White chocolate: Episcopalian
Milk chocolate: Presbyterian
Dark chocolate: Roman Catholic
Bitter chocolate: Lutheran
Fat-free chocolate: Church of Canada
Mint chocolate: Mormon
Carob chocolate: Jewish
Mole sauce: Mexican
CASK-ETTE Admiral Lord Nelson was oceanically conducted from Trafalgar to Spithead, England (04 December 1805) in a cask of brandy. Thirsty sailors "tapped the admiral" en route. Alexander the Great traveled Babylon to Macedonia preserved in honey. Unanticipated market ascendencies for Snapple, Starbucks, Annie Greensprings, Thunderbird, and Cuervo Gold are DCF/ROI formidable.
PLASTINATION Modern technology through Dr. Gunther von Hagens has done the ancient Egyptians one better. Several better!
http://www.kfunigraz.ac.at/anawww/plast/index.html
Obtain your corpse, fix with formalin and glutaraldehyde, dehydrate and defat in -25 C acetone over a few weeks' immersion, pressure impregnate with colored monomer mixes (remember double-injected critters in high school Experimental Biology?), cure. Obtain a permanent solid plastic fantastic preservation biologically incorruptible and suitable for pedestal display. Ongoing exhibitions generally flence all skin to expose the true inner self. (The part about fat removal has got to be a major selling point.)
WINNIPEG Leave the fresh unattended corpse outside for 24 hours any time between April and September. 38 species of mosquitoes will completely exsanguinate it to leave naught but a leathery permanence. Try it in Hudson Bay with its sun-obscuring clouds of carnivorous black flies to obtain only bones. The processes are rather less successful on ambulatory subjects, hence the latter's sullen envy staring south at the comparative paradises of Minnesota and Wisconsin.
Many folks go for the cheap alternative of cremation followed by ash dumping. A hot new alternative is feeding the remains through a plasma torch immediately followed by liquid nitrogen blow quench. A cooling rate of millions of degrees/second results in a nanodispersed amorphous powder. When dumped from an airplane it can remain suspended in air for years. Haven't you always wanted to travel?
Go for a custom-forged and CNC-machined Hastelloy C-2000 Ni-Cr-Mo-Cu (trace Fe,W,Co,Mn) high alloy (Haynes International) coffin. Or go for real gusto with Inconel Alloy 686 Ni-Cr-Mo-W. Hastelloy or Inconel, both are notorious for surviving attempts to dissolve them for analysis. Alloy C-2000 is incredibly resistant to everything forever, Alloy 686 is the champ of them all. They are invulnerable to reducing and oxidizing media, halide pitting, sulfur crevice corrosion, cupric and ferric chlorides attack (hot Green and Yellow Death), wet elemental chlorine, hydrogen embrittlement... and pretty much everything else Homeland Severity can threaten for a nice Sunday afternoon picnic. Whether you opt for a plain pine box cobbled together in your kid's high school Wood Shop or a Mil-Spec hermetic Superman-grade eternal containment, supply it yourself. Coffin price markups of 500% are not untoward. Texas is practically giving them away - with express shipment as necessary.
Overwhelming if anecdotal evidence suggests that the afterlife is riddled with priests demanding a refund when they are not concatentated like Pop-It beads. Post-mortem escrow is bound to be Hell. Go for the plasma torch and have done with it.