ASK DR. SCHUND

Dr. Schund, what is the cause of the notional Green House Effect?

(There is no Greenhouse Effect! There used not to be a Greenhouse Effect, then there used not to be Global Warming, and now there isn't any Climate Change. Keep your lies straight, or Nobel Laureate and Oscar winner Al Gore will visit then piddle on your argyle socks.

Enviro-whinerism is philosophy and dialectic opposing every form of progress. It fears the future, condemns the present, and extorts Federal subsidy of its countless piques. The Enviro-whiner trinity is "expensive, shoddy, deadly" ("shoddy" having been the Industrial Revolution's first recycled wool). First World civilization rests upon cheap energy commonly harvested by burning fossil fuels, chiefly coal.

Enviro-whinerism whines about the Carbon Tax on Everything, about Carbon Credit indulgences and their arbitrageurs, about retrenchment to 19th Century energy cadences, and about unbridled jackbooted international oversight compassionately enforcing it all (selflessly commanded by the tar babys' molders - Enviro-whiners).

Witch burning has lapsed from popular favor unless you are an accused glaucomatous marijuana-smoking grandma. Pseudoscientific sciolism plus Media frenzy are the tickets to a "War on" inquisition. Carbon dioxide (CO2) wafts heavenward as the credible cause of fancied global warming fulminates: Four billion State-mandated charity-suckling Third World scumbags averaging 2000 Calories/day basal metabolism exhale

(2000 Cal/day)(1000 cal/Cal)(4x109 scumbags)(365.2442 days/year)/(8.941x103 J/g CO2 /_\Hf)(0.2390 J/cal) =
1,370,000,000,000,000 grams of scumbag CO2/year.

There's your problem, plus their animals and cooking fires. Are you not proud that your income is redistributed to such a noble cause justifying fourth-gear redistribution of the rest of your income?

Daily CO2 assay of winds blowing past the summit of an extinct Hawaiian volcano (obviously not Officially drooling CO2 itself) charts 1.5 parts-per-million/year average atmospheric increase. Like adding one more drop of India ink to a glass of water plus 387 drops of India ink, the effect would be no effect absent social engineering subtleties. Carbon dioxide is a linear symmetric molecule. It is an awful choice for powering Doomsday infrared incineration scenarios demarcated by ungerade selection rules. Forbidden and strongly forbidden optical transitions thus inarguably sum to a tsunami of global insulation. Raindrops will wear away Halfdome in Yosemite National Park, eventually. Be afraid.

Dr. Schund has diagnosed the horrors of a much more pervasive infrared absorber, a volatile substance with a huge permanent dipole moment suited to converting the Earth into a whopping convection oven. Its average annual concentration increase in our air has not been 1.5 parts-per-million, but rather 1000 parts-per-million. Most inconveniently it is not drizzled into the air by First World little people being productive. It is gushing, flooding, and exploding into the environment from the humid, sweating, dripping Third World: from rain forests (wet jungle), from wetlands (swamps), from $billion agribusiness, and from every square millimeter of ocean, lake, river, pond, puddle, and piddle.

Has anyone been charting the annually increasing average global humidity? Water is a superlative infrared absorber across the entire spectrum, and even deeply into microwave regions. How annoying it is that water is natural and ridiculously plentiful, and not even an Official chemical (except for ultrapure, ultra-filtered chromatography water, which requires a Material Safety Data Sheet). Water is the primary component of non-fat milk Enviro-whiners pour over their granola, stuff which fills their bathtubs on those occasions when they bathe, and natural effluvium intermittently and recurrently exiting their bladders. It abundantly oozes from Third World citizens' armpits and uncontrollably evaporates from their fragile and endangered ecologies.

The oceans are filled with water. All seawater is monstrously contaminated with the chemical element chlorine. Chemical chlorine is the primary activating component of potentiating xenocryptoestrogens giving alligators tiny wee-wees and Enviro-whiners screaming fits. Look what water does to Minnesota frogs, transforming them into bucket after bucket of legless one-eyed double-bodied carnie sideshow mutant anurans.

Water will destroy mankind by burning Gaia into a desiccated cinder orbiting a cruel and unforgiving sun as we are all feminized into Liberace clones and Quentin Crisp simulacra.

What is to be done to save humanity and ecology? Dr. Schund calls for a immediate War on Water. All plumbing will be ripped from the planet. Toilets, bathtubs, showers, sinks, and bird baths will be destroyed in giant planetary bonfires on Water Day. There will be levied an international Sweat and Urine tax (Third World to be exempt through 2160), with exponentially increasing fines brought down on those who would piss away our posterity. Diabetes insipidus will be a capital eco-crime. The Sweat and Urine Tax is Phase One that will finance studies toward Phase Two.

Our foremost water warrior is Bulgarian wrapping fetishist Christo Javacheff. His 1974 Ocean Front, Newport, RI committed 150,000 square feet of polypropylene fabric to wrapping seawater. His 1976 Running Fence featured two million square feet of automotive airbag fabric; 2050 steel poles 3.5 inches thick and 212 feet long; 90 miles of steel cable, and an Enviro-whiner Impact report the size of the 1970 Encyclopedia Britannica, extensively published at taxpayer expense and utterly ignored. Christo will impermeably wrap all the oceans, lakes and rivers of Planet Earth for art and God. This is Phase Two.

Phase Three is summarized by The Plan®, periodically posted in the Usenet newsgroup alt.pave.the.earth to all who were wired into the Intertubes. You can be a pit slave, or you can mount your Hypercar®. Win the War on Water! NOW!


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