BEATING A DEAD HORSE

This traces back to the College and University Public Relations Association of Pennsylvania (CUPRAP) as "Indian Wrestling with Management." We surmise the author has been discharged for cause (insubordination) and the objects of his derision repeatedly promoted. (The original list had only twenty items, but then we were audited in duplicate by the Federal Reduction in Paperwork Act.)

Dakota Indian tribal wisdom passed on from one generation to the next says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In modern business, government, and academia factors parameterized as discounted cashflow/return on investment extrapolations and managerial performance evaluations are critical junctures. Other dead horse strategies must be appraised to boost the bottom line:

  1. What dead horse?
  2. Buy a stronger whip and beat the dead horse.
  3. Change riders.
  4. Contact Personnel and demand an explanation.
  5. Appoint a committee to study the dead horse.
  6. Assemble a PowerPoint dead horse presentation.
  7. Has the dead horse's warranty expired?
  8. Visit subsidiaries to see how they ride dead horses.
  9. Upgrade dead horse working conditions.
  10. Have President Bush the Lesser declare "the dead horse has already begun to awaken."
  11. Increase standards to include dead horses.
  12. Attend a Dead Horse Motivational Seminar
  13. Assign the dead horse to Marketing.
  14. Assign the dead horse to R&D.
  15. Retrofit the horse with new tack.
  16. Shorten the track.
  17. Create a training session to increase the riders' load share.
  18. Rotate the dead horse into FIFO inventory.
  19. Discard the saddle; ride the dead horse bareback.
  20. Point the dead horse in the opposite direction and note how well he maintains his position.
  21. Reclassify the dead horse as living-impaired.
  22. Change the form so it reads: "This horse is not dead."
  23. Innovate benchmarks for industry dead-horse leaders.
  24. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
  25. Assign the dead horse to the graveyard shift.
  26. Compare current riding to riding before horse acquisition.
  27. Tighten the dead horse's cinch.
  28. Factor in dead horse savings re food, water, and maintenance.
  29. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
  30. Appoint a Tiger Team to revive the dead horse.
  31. "This dead horse was procured with cost as an independent variable."
  32. Relocate the dead horse.
  33. Send the dead horse to a continuing education course.
  34. Send the dead horse to a convention.
  35. Send the dead horse on vacation.
  36. Authorize the dead horse for behavioral counseling under the company HMO.
  37. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, deducting its full original cost.
  38. Compare your dead horse's performance to other companies' dead horses.
  39. Render unto Caesar.
  40. Hire Arthur Anderson, Inc. to count your herd.
  41. Provide additional funding to increase the dead horse's performance.
  42. Threaten the dead horse with termination.
  43. Downsize the dead horse.
  44. Downsize the dead horse and retain it as a contract hire.
  45. Downsize the dead horse and replace it with an entry-level dead horse at one-third the salary.
  46. Discharge the dead horse for cause.
  47. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
  48. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
  49. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore runs faster.
  50. Proactively initiate parametric discounted cashflow/return on investment dead horse projections under varying microeconomic scenarios.
  51. Issue a corporate mission statement to develop more "passion" for the art of horse riding.
  52. List the dead horse as a new asset.
  53. Survey the state of dead horses in today's business environment.
  54. Repackage the dead horse.
  55. Reassign fault to the dead horse's breeding.
  56. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
  57. Survey business school casebooks for dead horse models.
  58. Require at least two more dead horses before this dead horse is validated as a dead horse source.
  59. Re-engineer riding styles.
  60. Renormalize standardized evaluations of riding ability.
  61. Brand the dead horse and commission a music video for its introduction.
  62. Base manager productivity evaluations upon the dead horse's performance.
  63. Award the dead horse to a retiree.
  64. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for dead horses.
  65. Apply standards and metrics to the riding of dead horses.
  66. Is it time for the company picnic?
  67. Your horse was visiting the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001, wasn't it?
  68. Write an SBIR grant application for national defense studies of necrofillya.
  69. Declare the dead horse to be a trade secret.
  70. Execute a major reorganization including one-time dead horse writeoffs.
  71. Gather other dead animals and announce a diversity program.
  72. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
  73. Write off the dead horse as a Y2K incompatibility.
  74. Dead Horse, Emeritus.
  75. Call it a virtual horse dot com and spin off an e-business plus IPO.
  76. The dead horse is too big to die.
  77. Alert Homeland Severity that your horse has been killed by stateless Muslim terrorists and demand FEMA compensation.


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