GIANT HOGWEED

Heracleum mantegazzianum grows 20 feet high and 5 feet across with 2-4 inch diameter stems and collective white inflorescences up to almost three feet in diameter. It reproduces like mad - tens of thousands of seeds remain viable for nearly a decade and lopped off pieces will sprout when they hit dirt. Underground crowns take up the vegetative slack if the foliage is burned. Giant hogweed exudes a clear watery sap containing furanocoumarin glycosides (psoralens) photosensitizing skin to remarkably severe UV damage. Expansive blisters are followed by desquamated ulcers that may heal to purplish or blackened scars. If you get the sap in your eyes you can go blind. This nasty aggressive goliath was imported from Asia as a garden flower. It now infests Canukistani British Columbia, Washington state, Michigan, New England through New York state and south to Pennsylvania... and is spreading. Any place wet, cold, and foul is happy home to giant hogweed - though wet, hot, and foul (Florida) is entirely acceptable.

The toxic seeds are perversely used as flavoring in the Middle East, substituting for angelica. If the Feds catch you with cheap golpar you are entitled to do some fast talking before a bored judge, then cough up your bank account. Giant hogweed is on the undesirable weed A-list for confiscation and prosecution.

After a substitute teacher in Buffalo, NY cast aspersions at one of God's sacred creations, junior Sierra Club member Kaitlyn Brianna Poswilly wrote a seven page prose poem in counterpoint. She did it in amphimaceric hexameter, ending each paragraph with a 4th ephrite, and culminated her opus with a molossus quatrain. The Giant Died to Save Our Little Children arrived in Senator Hillary Ramrod Clinton's email, also visiting Green Sleeze, the Sierra Club, and lurid Liberal Socialist rag Los Angeles Times. Appetites were kindled.

SAVE THE GIANT HOGWEED!

Tens of thousands of Enviro-whiners funded by compassionate government grants harmonically converged on Massachusetts this week demanding protection and propagation of Asian giant hogweed.

"The giant hogweed may hold the secret to curing cancer, curing AIDS, or even human immortality," said a Birkenstock-shod Enviro-whiner woman with luxuriant fragrant matted clots of hair erupting from her humid armpits, "it is the unequaled anodyne for all sorts of unknown hazards. I channeled that through my quartz crystal."

"Asian hogweed is the preferred hunting niche of the fragile and endangered undiscovered Giant Flying Vampire Toad," said Asian-Canukistani Enviro-whiner David Suzuki, "and it really frosts my flat Jap ass to hear how a plant is being stereotyped because of its national origin."

The Kennedy compound was quick to issue a terse and unambiguous press release: "We're going to sober up Ted long enough for him to introduce national legislation requiring all Massachusetts residents who are not surnamed "Kennedy" or living in Hyannisport to Liberally grow giant hogweed in their gardens and instead of lawns."

After nine days of riots, more than 40,000 acres of hogweed had been planted everywhere except in Hyannisport. Future generations would celebrate! All the Enviro-whiners then bailed out at flank speed.

"Man, you don't want to be near that stuff!" whined Maria Gonzales Consuela Littlefeather Shabazz, "the sap causes severe skin irritation, blisters and mammoth swellings, and contact with your eyes will melt them right out of their sockets on exposure to sunlight. We've done our god-appointed good deeds. We're all going home now, far away from Massachusetts' hogweed heaven."

Farcical Farsi-American fanatics, their oxen gored by racial profiling because a few million raghead dissidents get their jollies blowing up and otherwise murdering infidel civilians, women, and children in the name of their god, went on the offensive (infinitesimal transition). This was the last straw! Nobody was going to get between them and their golpar. They wrote poetry, too.

Nami danam chi manzil bood shab jaay ki man boodam;
Baharsu raqs-e bismil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.
Pari paikar nigaar-e sarw qadde laala rukhsare;
Sarapa aafat-e dil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.
Khuda khud meer-e majlis bood andar laamakan Khusrau;
Muhammad shamm-e mehfil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.

The bit about "half-slaughtered victims of love tossing about in agony" was cited by one and all as a great national liberationist and humanitarian goal. Kaitlyn Brianna Poswilly was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and became a personal intern to Senator Hillary Ramrod Clinton, celebrating diversity. She addressed the United Nations General Assembly but graciously declined all invitations to visit Massachusetts (even with pre-paid one-way fares).

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