To view something awesomely strange...
The aberrant narcissistic drivel mesmerizing upscale social hustlers entails myelotropic hypertrophy accomplished through abnormal flexion, extension, and tension meted out to the somatic muscle groups via formidable metallic and elastomeric punishment contrivances. Possibly biologically inert teflon and silicone lumps can also be forcibly inserted into strategic areas to alter perceived morphology. This is cheating. All these pretty boys and girls, obsessed with their bodies' appearance but not with their bodies' function or persistence, have been buffing their washboard tummies while blowing their cardiovascular systems to hell. We lucid cognoscenti, the estimable connoisseurs of anatomical capability, do not enfold our skeletons within scores of pounds of freakish muscle. We forge metabolically invincible body essence through the complete, balanced, rational and psycho- comprehensive exercise regime of Fnordic Track.
Fnordic Track embodies a physically flawless and scientifically precise Olympic Biathlon emulation. Every major muscle group is aerobically stressed to incipient failure. Every major blood vessel, every artery, vein, capillary, and lymph node, is reamed bright and clean. Two hours each day will burn more metabolic Calories than a Third World family of fifteen can steal in a week. Your mitochondria will protuberate with accumulated chemiosmotic potential, amplifying human factors to the limits of mammalian physiology. You will be metamorphosed. You will disdainfully stride the surface of the Earth as a god.
No exercise regime is of value unless you persist in it, selflessly challenging self-imposed affliction and corporeal catastrophe. Your muscle-bound coworkers flit from health club to gymnasium to salon, and from one screwball diet to another. They are faddists of the worst sort. They reap the anile harvest of their self-sown seeds of destruction. You grasp the secret of Fnordic Track, a complete Olympic Biathlon workout each morning which includes target practice with a high-powered large-caliber rifle more than capable of rendering with a single aimed round a galloping rhinoceros dead at 300 yards.
Of what value is the personal achievement of consummate physical prowess without the empowered mental development with which to wield it? Fnordic Track profoundly transforms the mechanism of manual exercise by melding it with the mystic disciplines of target acquisition and annihilation. When your heart threatens to explode from your bosom, when your muscles burn with agony, when you are drowning in a thick miasmic blanket of your own congealed perspiration, that is when the rigor of Fnordic Track taps unknown resources of your willpower to cast 310 grains of jacketed lead traveling at more than twice the speed of sound to its just and rightful destination.
The contemplative tranquility of firearm disassembly, cleansing, lubrication, and reassembly consummates each exercise cycle. Each perfect part is rendered immaculate. Each subtle component is spatially juxtaposed commensurate with its function and its reinstatement to balanced existence with its companions. Even the most rigorous Fnordic Track challenge concludes with the jewel restored to rest in the lotus.
Only Fnordic Track connects mind to body to objective actuality in an unsunderable transcendental triad! Only Fnordic Track imbues you with the volition to successfully achieve conquest against any odds. Life is an ongoing assault of unexpected contingencies. Only the strongest bodies and the healthiest minds will prevail against all odds to rise above the sorry rut trodden by the victimized coarse multitudes. Only Fnordic Track equips you to survive within a social environment where your petty existence is less important than that of a trim resistor on a redundant circuit board.
We all suffer though mornings when the alarm sounds and we smash our clock. The futile misery of working seven months each year for the IRS demands physical destruction to quiet its incessant squeals. Alimony checks, rent due, auto insurance premiums, government-mandated seat belts, government-mandated speed limits, government-mandated motorcycle helmets, government-mandated children's seats, drug and alcohol roadblocks backing traffic up for miles, your fatherless vindictive supervisor at work, your cheap, loud-mouthed boss and his prissy secretary with her short skirts and black garters... These are the stresses that Fnordic Track allows you to absorb and conquer.
Fnordic Track will change your life forever. You will always possess your superb physical conditioning, your unwavering concentration, and your rifle loaded and at the ready.
To return to Uncle Al Outrage Central, click here
To view something awesomely strange...