ASK DR. SCHUND

Dr. Schund, what causes weight?

Physical theory is obviously wrong. String theory's 1010^5 acceptable vacua that individually and collectively avoid making any testable predictions are the mere tip of a terrible iceberg. The whole of Christendom enjoys the explicit inerrant word of God that sets pi equal to three, exactly, twice within its Bible - 1Kings 7:23,26 and 2Chronicles 4:2-5. Creationism offers a perfect and inarguable sourcing of all reality. Anybody who disagrees is thereby proven unqualified to judge. There are hundreds of Christian denominations each better than all the others in Borromean rings of rock, scissors, paper.

Hindus enjoy 36 crores of gods - that's 360 million, or more. None of them offered a Sanscrit pre-publication proof of Classical Electrodynamics by Jackson or volunteered Novocain. Physical theory is wrong - and not by merely by divine edict.

Archimedes in his bath was the first techno-criminal. Galileo Galilei was chastened by the One True Church for his unrepentant blasphemies, including buoyancy. Let us expose some of the heresies of "proven" physical theory.

Everybody knows everything is heavier when it is flatter. That is why there is water capillary rise, raindrops in the sky are round, high altitude lakes are precipitously deep, and oceans - defining the geoid - are flat at their tops. These are empirical observations. No mathematical hoodwinks can alter them.

Take a flat plate of steel and place it upon the surface of a swimming pool. It sinks. Now deform it to form a deep bowl and place that upon the surface of a swimming pool. It floats! Flat things are heavier. Sailboats with their tall, pointy masts are moved by the wind. Aircraft carriers with their giant flat decks require paired nuclear reactors for propulsion.

Make a solid ball of clay. Place it on a hard surface. Pound on it. The more you make it heavier the flatter it gets. A sufficiently large gravitational field would also flatten it, by having it collapse flat under its own weight. See? Flatter is heavier. Pancakes are flat, loaf bread is chunky. Which weighs more? Chairs are light, tables are heavy. A door hinged upright moves with a fingertip. Try opening a root cellar's flat door.

Pointy mountains shoot miles into the sky but broad flat valleys consistently go deep. A mercury barometer has its narrow mercury thread spontaneously rise a full 76 centimeters, 29.92 inches, straight up. You don't see the barometer's flat pool of mercury rising, do you? Shape makes the difference. Flatter is heavier.

Skyscrapers are invariably long, thin, and upright. If they were as wide as they were high the extra weight from flatness would crush their foundations. Elevators are tall, thin, and move vertically. That is how 20 people (3200 pounds!) can be jammed into a tiny room that then shoots up at dizzying rates while hanging from a thin cable. Put those 20 people on a plywood slab and try pulling it along the ground. Too heavy!

The tallest trees have the highest aspect ratios. NASA rockets are invariably arrows writ large - except for the Space Scuttle. We all know how badly that worked out absolute and compared to the (3X cheaper)/(gram lofted) Saturn 5 booster that was long, thin, and upright.

Is the Thanksgiving turkey too heavy to lift? End the flat kitchen counter! Pointy knives, forks, and even spoons hardly weigh anything at all. Serving platters are heavy.

People walk upright and win 100 yard dashes. Have you ever carried a slack horizontal body? They are remarkably heavy. Scotsmen toss the caber, vertically. Logs are hauled to sawmills on giant trucks, horizontally. Open your eyes to the truth!

We see roads and railroad tracks laid flat upon the ground. This maximizes their weights during construction and ruins fuel efficiency for vehicles and transportation of goods thereafter. Not a single national leader has proposed building downsloping major transportation arteries - in all directions - to forever ameliorate the fuel crisis by reducing the weight of everything involved.

Dr. Schund demands a global War on Horizontal Planarity! Every citizen volunteer must do their best, every day in every way, to end Euclidean hegemony tangent to Earth's geoid. Saving our Children! will be expensive and protracted, but invisibly and painlessly so. Radii of curvature and angles of repose are easily quantified with mass-produced analytical instrumentation. For a small monthly fee levied upon all First World citizens of Spaceship Earth we can, for the first time in recorded human civilization, calculate our personal Curvature Credits.

Curvature Credits will be compassionately redistributed from the productive greedy to the reproductive needy across the globe. We will lightly glide across bowed floors. The materiel of civilization will float upon sprung beds. Oppressive thermodynamics and patriarchal engineering will be reigned in and slaughtered. Anybody who disagrees is thereby proven unqualified to judge.


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