Uncle Al received a beautifully virtuous, laminated, perforated, multicolored, catastrophic EMERGENCY mass-mailed card from the "Environmental Defense Fund," Park Avenue South, New York. Dear Reader, that is an environment wherein flitting dewy tongues of professional sex workers could make #5 rebar cream. Said journeymen and journeywomen cost more/hour than lawyers - but they produce something of value, transient though it may be.

STYROFOAM IS DEATH! yadda yadda. Recycled bananas save the world's children, avoid single use containers (cans, bottles, and jars of anything). Always deploy the finest newly manufactured paper for your catastrophic EMERGENCY mass-mailed postcards. The card's other tastefully pastel-shaded side listed 38 varieties of seafood that will kill you unless you fork over donations, big time.

In point of fact, the previous sentence was something of an exaggeration. The "Environmental Defense Fund" is inordinately fond of shellfish. You may Officially gorge on clams, mussels, oysters, and scallops until your eyes bulge and you are scythed by domoic acid poisoning. Red tides chemically toxify shellfish, rendering insane anything that eats them thereafter. Oysters carry Vibrio vulnificus bacteria. Vibriosis can kill you. Shellfish growing in Virginia drainage my be well seasoned with kepone polychlorinated insecticide. Mussels in harbors are loaded with copper and tin soap hull anti-foulants that have interesting effects on human reproduction.

DO NOT EAT CODFISH if you love the Earth! The Grand Banks fishery was the richest, densest spawning ground on Earth. Canada carefully managed it for maximum productivity. As overfishing caused yields to plummet, Ottawa vigorously subsidized Maritime Provinces' new giant trawlers to vacuum the Atlantic. The Grand Banks are now sterile, and nobody knows where all the codfish went.

Tilapia are trash fish that will grow anywhere - rice paddies and possibly large puddles. They are farmed for food on enormous scales... and they are endangered. We know for observed fact that Amish cornfields are stripped of life in winter. We should do something to end consumption of popcorn lest fuel ethanol run short and our automobiles not rot from the inside out to EPA standards. Do not eat farmed fish!

All tuna is Officially bursting with mercury and polychlorinated biphenyls, the latter possibly from suckling 1950s' power pole transformers. Tuna are miraculously molecularly cleansed if they are caught one by one on poles with barbless hooks. If you see a small $15 can of tuna on the shelf, that's the good one, you fish murderer.

Crawfish from petroleum-saturated Louisiana swamps are good, crawfish from anywhere else are an Enviro-atrocity. Chilean seabass, the gourmet lunch presented in Jurassic Park, ooze droplets of mercury and drool Arochlor. THOU SHALT NOT EAT CAVIAR! Perhaps the "Environmental Defense Fund" wearies of its executive lunch bills rising because the unworthy choose to dine.

Atlantic Halibut are Officially OK, but those from the Pacific Ocean are FORBIDDEN. If a halibut threatens to break your knees, especially if your fishmonger operates out of a New Jersey strip joint, enjoy dinner. Salmon is bad unless Sarah Palin shot it. Lox is out, and do not even think of Salman Rushdie. No red snapper for youuuu! Diversity only.

The "Environmental Defense Fund"'s darling is farmed catfish. Perhaps they see a lot of themselves in bottom-feeding scum-sucking slime-covered toothless scavengers tossed free food. The Mekong giant catfish, Pangasianodon gigas, has hit 660 lb - but only if you give generously and often.

One titillating diagnostic was the solicitation's timing. Received in mid-June, it included a 2011 mini-calendar January through December. Somebody overlooked the obvious, that anybody young enough to read the microprinting would be desperately siphoning charity not grandiosely offering it. A June 2011 to May 2012 calendar would have been fitting. Perhaps it will appear next year, after the unpaid intern charged with formatting this crap has audited a community college course in four-digit integers.

"I was stuck in a low-paying job greasing gears in Disneyland. My family was going without and I saw no future for myself. Then, University of the Bushwald Shopping Center offered me an unbelievable opportunity! In only eight months I earned my Associate Degree in Four Significant Figures. Now I'm cooking crystal meth by the kilogram in San Berdoo and we are living big! There is easy student loan financing, too."

The "Environmental Defense Fund" closes with a Native American Proverb (uppercase presented just like that), thankfully absent its de regueur glycerin tear adhered to a feather-clad Italian gent's eye bag. "We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors... we borrow it from our children." Uncle Al has two rejoinders to this:

  1. "You gotta be bullshitting me," and
  2. "LAST TAG!"

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