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Dr. Schund, what killer application remains to reinvent me into a billionaire?
Drug running is the sin qua non tax-deferred income stream, but Colombians (cocaine), Mexicans (heroin), Pfizer (Viagra), and your local constabulary (everything imaginable from alcohol to vice) claim monopolies. Were you to plan a bizarre and grotesque venture to aid productive people, about 70 armed Federal agencies plus state, city, local, police, fire, labor, religious, Enviro-whiner, child-saving, and ad hoc coalitions would whack your pee-pee. The trustworthy ticket to pecuniary excess is to skin tens of millions of people just enough not to result in scarring. Sports do it, as do Hollywood, sales tax, and pets.
Al Gore's Carbon Tax on Everything is all about skinning not shearing - but your hide will recycle into leather duvets for privileged minorities.
Peoples of Colour dizzy from historic patriarchal White Protestant European oppression are successfully metamorphosed by Liberal affectation ("there is beer at the bottom of the hole if you dig it deep enough at somebody else's expense"). Diverse innovative reproductive warriors are pushing Old World invaders off their turf with dusky fevered loins disgorging babies like exhausted shell casings from a chain gun. Free room, board, clothing, medical and child care are insufficient. Their get may not perambulate half naked dropping urine and feces in a celebration of ethnic diversity, oh no! Not in the streets, not with compassionatly mandated automatic university admission with fully paid scholarship plus spending money. They are still oppressed! Juvenile victims in compensation must be rendered geniuses scoring at least 200 points on each section of the new Scholastic Aptitude Test as high school seniors. There is barely time to Head Start their education at birth.
Better than skinning tens of millions of people by your own efforts is Washington skinning all 310 million for you, then bestowing a piece of the action. Dr. Schund proposes a Federal entitlement killer application to make the deranged outlays of Head Start ($6 billion/year), The Safe and Drug-Free Schools and Communities Act ($6.09 billion simply vanished), and Lyndon Johnson's Great Society Title 1 (more than $trillions cumulative) seem perfectly reasonable - and accomplish even more (that is to say, nothing at all).
Call it the Mandatory Primary Care Juvenile Minority Bolus Expulsion Remote Intermediation Modality. Fully financed by charging employed Middle Class parents triple, plus a few $billion in Health and Human Services Department grants for studies, the Dump Alert is a small hermetically sealed radio transceiver slipped into a diaper. When the local dielectric constant alters (how gently we put this!) a capacitance switch triggers a remote Blue Tooth warning that the kid needs changing. Federal law will mandate that omitting the Dump Alert is child endangerment and abuse - so successful with deadly child car seats, airbags, and worthless bicycle helmets to the annual tune of so many $billions.
More advanced Mandatory Dump Alert models have bigger batteries (and much higher prices). They and feature biofeedback for dynamic tyke training including perimeter exclusion, Pavlovian behavior modification, GPS location, music, and endlessly droning education tapes. Your child can gain entry into prestigious day care if you start immediately! Every original gangsta homeboy will score above average on standardized tests of achievement after equal opportunity renormalization, as can other children if they tally three standard deviations above the mean less reverse discrimination Affirmative Action corrections.
Little Missy Eschwieler is three years old, speaks fluent French, German, and Japanese, and has already composed two cantatas and a concerto. She is hoping to get into a good (non-lethal during recess) kindergarten because she is 1/16 Native American. A diaper need not be a load of crap. Get Dump Alert today!
Little MbweBwe X. Jihad is three years old and already demands his rights. He will be granted a PhD in Black Studies if he abundantly fills his diapers. A diaper need not be a load of crap. Get Dump Alert today!
Extraordinary Federal sums - the War on Diaper Rash! - will be disbursed (plus overhead) to a few institutions of higher learning and a large compensatory assembly of minority contractors to develop monoclonal antibody and complimentary nucleic acid Dump Alert biosensors to recognize 37 different pathogens including life-style infringing HIV (but not immoral diseases like syphilis and gonorrhea). Departments of Psychology, Social Sciences, and Feminism will reap bounteous boons for designing attractive color-coordinated shipping containers and dialectically pure instruction booklets.
Each Dump Alert foisted onto the Middle Class also incorporates three-axis solid state accelerometers and broadcasts a unique ID serial number to cell phone pickups (automatically charged to your monthly phone bill, plus compassionate surcharges). Shake the babe, drop it, or swat it on the fanny and jackbooted State compassion will be in you face faster than you can say "McMartin Pre-School" or "Louise Woodward." Save our children!
A bright future awaits wherein every productive citizen is awarded continuous scrutiny (and billed for it) in every aspect of politically correct deportment every minute of the day. An equally bright future awaits the Officially Sad, beneficiaries of productive folks' unlimited largess. The brightest future of all awaits program administrators, at least until their Primary Care Juvenile Minority Bolus Expulsion Remote Intermediation Modalities trigger organization chart reshuffling.
Hush! Dr. Schund hears Homeland Severity approaching even now.
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