On 20 April 1999 fourteen students and a teacher were killed and 24 people injured in a gun and bomb assault at Columbine High School in suburban Littleton outside Denver, CO. Seniors Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold cleaned some clocks and then Officially punched out (more likely SWATted like flies). Every fire-eating sanctimonious hack whether god-besotted, community-empowered, or mental healthcare-providing loves this stuff, as do the Feds. You will hear no complaints from florists, chandlers, stationers, or Mylar balloon vendors, either
Money and power are political $50 and $100 bills. Fear is a small denomination voucher generally reserved for donation to the masses. Asteroidal mountains falling from the skies fell out of favor smoke and mirrors-wise. Cancer was over-hyped, melting of Antarctic ice to flood Florida Jewish retirement communities went sour, the Greenhouse Effect and the Ozone Hole were hackneyed to the max. Eric and Dylan are just what the spin doctor ordered to energize a dull summer, COPYCAT KILLINGS! Save our children.
After eleven years of American zero-goal education high school seniors mostly lack gumption beyond slacking off. They also lack math and reading skills needed to cut a check for weapons' purchase. Washington and its remoras swimming about the main shark and hoping for scraps were caught short. Suppose Pandora opened this really big box to find a midget with a paper cut lolling inside. It would be a bummer, mythos-wise.
On 03 May 1999 in Costa Mesa, CA (nee Goat Hill, vital economic and geopolitical buffer between Anglo-affluent Newport Beach and Hispanic-squalid Santa Ana) the Southcoast Early Childhood Learning Center basked in Steven Allen Abrams, 39, of Santa Ana ramming toddlers in its playground with his 1967 brown Cadillac. Sierra Soto, 4, and Brandon Wiener, 3, were offed (with names like that euthanasia is plausible). It was a copycat killing! The Media said so.
"There was no sign Abrams was under the influence of drugs or alcohol," police said. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers demanded a recount. DARE unlimbered crack pipes to ease its pain.
A grotesquely obese land yacht 1967 Cadillac can do better. Figure nearly 300 horsepower, a generous ramp up to speed, a psychotic at the wheel... and only a crappy pair of fatalities? The guy could have accomplished more with a baseball bat, or a pointed stick, or possibly an unripe banana.
I demand ban of unripe banana's until the person requesting an unripened banana gets a permit, or it ripens. Save our children! Why stop here? All bananas should be banned! The peels of ripe bananas are Officially very slippery and prompt nasty falls when stepped upon (fully crapulated by "Mythbusters" Episode 117). Down you go, possibly onto a pipe bomb, land mine, or improvised explosive device (bomb). What if terrorists planted MOAB IEDs with a banana peel atop each? Armor would be slipshod!
There is but one solution, and it matters not how much it costs in money or lives: NATIONAL BANANA CONTROL! We'll probably have to kill every member of the ACLU, but it is a small trade off to pay for security. Chiquita Banana - DEAD! Bananarama - DEAD!
Can we stop here? NO! No more hot dogs and hot dog buns! No more cucumbers! No more pickles! (Pickle slices and chips available with a license after intensive ethics training courses.) No more vinyl plastisol (phthalate plasticizers! Save our children!) adult playthings! Pornographers are killing our children as they are stored in pre-school concentration camps! THE FIENDS!
Let us view the big picture: Is Steven Allen Abrams up for a two point offense on his driver's license, or are kids below five years of age one point, like old ladies with walkers? He did not run away. He sat there calmly waiting for police to assign grief counselors to comfort him in his trauma. Two kids! Latino homeboys do better than that by accident, in the dark.
It is time to remove automobiles from the hands and butts of the general public and enact strict laws relating to automobile ownership and driving. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Gainsay Liberal propaganda declaiming anybody may drive whenever, however, to and from wherever, and with total and absolute liberty. Cars don't kill people, psychos driving Cadillacs kill children! More studies are needed, possibly funded by vested interests such as car makers and the petroleum industry.
Those two ill-fated children, Soto and Weiner, would be alive today - and everybody at Columbine High School - if government were given the tools to get the job done. (Or at least of the Bill of Rights were quashed once and for all time. Damned nuisance.) I know! We'll call it Homeland Severity and gorge it with $20 billion/year to crush our souls.