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The world teems with hallucinating pious idiots. Ignore minutiae like the Virgin Mary appearing as a rash on a busty French actress' chest, or a saintly sculpture imbibing only single malt scotch (closely attended by a giggling prelate). The Vampire of Moca was a colony of ravenous crocodiles discreetly, illegally insinuated into Puerto Rico. Tourists went in, nothing came out. The natives quailed.
The Church of Rome subsuming pagan competition like the Borg assimilate civilizations is small stuff even after 2000 years' tally, compared with the Beast of Bodmin Moor, Bigfoot, Billiwack Monster, Chinese Wildman, Chupacabra, Dover Demon, Loys' Ape, Jersey Devil, Lake Champlain Monster, Loch Ness Monster, Loveland Frog, Malaysian Dragon, Manipogo, Mann Hill Monster, Minnesota Iceman, Mokele-Mbembe, Mongolian Death Worm, Morag, Morgawr, Mothman, Nandi Bear, Ogopogo, Oliver the Mutant Chimp, Orang- Pendek, Piltdown Man, Queensland Creature, Skunk Ape, Thunderbird, Thylacine, Yeti, Yowie, Zuiyo-maru Plesiosaur...
(The author has a warm spot in his heart for the Mongolian Death Worm. Aussies enjoy a real earthworm the size and length of a fire hose. Are Mongols subconsciously jealous?)
I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York where Puerto Ricans spray paint graffiti on chain link fences. Celebrations of ethnic diversity aside, the little brown folks feel insecure for lacking potbellied wrestlers in silver tights sent by God to rescue Mexicans. They cannot squeal about slavery like Blacks, lack felonious talents of Italians, fall short vis-a-vis Irish alcoholic excesses... All they have is the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico where everybody is eligible for a US passport and suffers no burdens of US citizenship beyond cashing bi-weekly Welfare checks.
Genteel frustrations compounded until explosive pressure vented. The chupacabra has appeared in about 2000 sitings since initial descriptions in 1994 of a enigmatic creature ravaging the Puerto Rican countryside, killing small animals and disturbing rural dwellers and farmers, especially near El Yunque Tropical Forest, the solitary roads about Laguna Cartagena, and the town of Canovanas. Government was called upon to compensate the rabble for presumed losses. Mainstream media ignore it; paranormal programs on cable television exulted in it. Follow the money.
It strikes at night and thirsts for blood, starting with goats hence chupacabra (Spanish for goat sucker). Tales include dead goats found with their blood drained through peculiar puncture wounds on their necks and reports of organs missing from bodies without any visible passage through which those organs could have been removed. "Two small triangular shaped holes were just below the jawline near the base of the skull. The wounds appear cauterized by high heat from an instrument which burrowed through inches of muscle and bone tissue on its direct path to the cerebellum." Owners of animals say hundreds of chickens, rabbits, sheep, cats and dogs, and even larger animals including pigs and cattle have died in a similar manner, even when secured inside undisturbed locked cages. Right. "We want compensation!"
The greyish chupacabra stands four to five feet tall with hairless reptilian skin, a bold large head with very large full black or red eyes, spikes from the top of its head down its back, and no tail. It has large powerful hind legs and a web-like film hanging beneath short pudgy forelegs or arms ending in claws. Ugly as a demon, it has long fangs and a long slimy pointy tongue which continually glides in and out of its mouth. It exhibits intelligent behavior and evades detection and capture at will. Convenient, that. It hops around like a kangaroo and exudes such a pungent sulfur-like stench that one purported close encounter left an individual coughing for days, demanding free health care.
Chupacabras have alarmed and amused residents in Mexico, South America, Florida, Texas, Southern California, and even Oregon; They inspire theories, satire, mugs, T-shirts, and rap songs. As physical terrors go, it has been a facile boon to tourism.
What indeed is a chupacabra? We have your cryptozoological living fossils, human-reptile-insect hybrid products of secret Federal genetic manipulation projects gone sour, space aliens, feral space alien pets, Biblical demons (Ephesians 6:12, invisible principalities seeking our ruin), and interdimensional beings evading detection by entering and exiting physical reality in an instant. It might all be crap, but people say the same thing about the One True Church - proving themselves incapable of making a rational determination of worth.
Have you ever noticed that vampire neck nibblings constitute two closely-spaced punctures, and Bela Lugosi to Generation-X Goths have widely spaced canine fangs?
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