Dr. Schund, how may women luxuriously gorge on chocolate without suffering dreaded lips-to-hips syndrome?
Chocolate is brimming with pharmacological agents and seductive organoleptic enticements. Cacao beans can be 3 wt-% theobromine (as free base), the principal chocolate alkaloid. They are bursting with cocoa butter (voluptuously delectable fat), chiefly triglycerides of steric, palmitic, oleic, arachidonic, and linoleic acids. Chocolate contains natural phenethylamine, structurally and pharmacologically related to amphetamine and responsible for intense feelings of belonging (love) after ingestion. (Elevated urine levels of phenethylamine are typical of paranoid chronic schizophrenia, Science 206 470 (1979).)
Chocolate is also discovered to contain luscious traces anandamide (arachidonylethanolamide, (all-Z)-5,8,11,14-eicosatetraenoic acid ethanolamide), that is the endogenous ligand for marijuana tetrahydrocannabinol receptors. Wheeee! The Official truth is that one need ingest 5-20 pounds of raw chocolate to get high, said meal no doubt precipitating other more urgent discernments.
It need not be that way (enriched chocolate!). The cacao tree and its bounty are both heir to fungal, bacteriological, and insect predation so severe that whole plantations are routinely expunged. If we are patching some genomic weak spots we should suppress product feedback inhibition while adding enhanced promoter sequences.
The Hershey Bar was the first (nearly) quality slab of consumer chocolate fortuitously embracing pragmatic secrets of cocoa butter Form V crystallization at temperatures scarcely exceeding 23.86 C (Cadbury-supported R&D at Heriot-Watt University, Edinburgh). The Boo Bar with its all-natural and polyunsaturated anadamide wallop will to be a multi-$billion international venture - the chosen weapon to win a major battle of the War on Drugs. Hemp will be displaced from its marketplace by something kinder and gentler; semi-sweet, white, or milk-laden as you desire.
The sensuous lingual glissando of well-fatted aromatic brown exudate pulverized to a satiny sheen and compounded with every dietary goad (salt, sugar, starch and grease; phenethylamine, theobromine, anandamide) capable of reducing Great Apes to gustatory obsequity is not a trifle to be blunted by casual coercion. Women are held in thrall to cornucopian caloric excess as they gorge on a Gaian pharmacopoeia in despondent search for reestablishment of innermost emotional homeostasis. The appalling consequence hangs heavy in saddlebags, gut, and butt.
Ladies, a moment on your lips is forever on your hips.
What is to be done? Replacement of cocoa butter by low calorie short chain triglycerides yields a revolting product, likewise replacement by sucrose polyester. Chocolate is so much more than thickened grease. Dr. Schund proposes removing malapropos excipients and resolving chocolate into two phases - a time-release drug patch and a pungent philtrum cream (optionally boosted with hair growth suppressant mimosine, Heterocycles 7 265 (1977), Ann. Rev. Biochem. 38 137 (1969)). Call it the flawless execution of a traditionally flawed craving.
Will society rise up in horror at the War on Drugs weaponization of chocolate into a cornucopian hedonistic weapon of penance-free bliss? Save our children! Dr. Schund will patent and license the Boo Bar as a prescription pharmaceutical complete with special Federal and state taxes to serve as emollient and emollument to all wounds. Only women certified to have paid exorbitant physician examination fees will be permitted to shell out for the Boo Bar to make their lives whole again. The Boo Bar could be prescribed as a (mandatory!) adjunct to all distaff birth control modalities. Who needs a sweaty, hairy, stinky man leaving the seat up when you can have perfect chocolate in mind-searing abundance and not compromise your washboard tummy?
The American Psychiatric Association (medical doctors) will crack big chocolate-eating grins one and all at its PhD psychologist (no drugs allowed) competitors. The FDA will force special legislation denying the Boo Bar to chiropractors, homeopaths, naturopaths, herbalists, and other New Age hind gut fermenters. There is the matter of Third World peons. What of their cacao plantations when the grist, crux, essence, and core of chocolate can be trivially brought forth from 200-liter Pfaudler kettles, as in Chemical & Engineering News 77(15) 47 (1999)?
No matter. They can petition the United Nations and The Hague. (UN bureaucrats timely and satisfactorily resolved the Iraq issue, didn't they?) Fact-finding commissions will be sent to substantiate injured parties' claims, or not. It might require decades of reimbursed expense chits before the preliminary study is released. More studies will be needed.