JUST AND PROPER DEATHS

The California legislature is forever eager to ruin the world with taxpayer money. It shock and awe ascertained (perhaps given facile lubricious stuffed envelope transfer) that 30-40 of 37.3 million California residents die of carbon monoxide poisoning each year. The 2010 census says the average California household is 2.9 people. Legislation says every level of your home plus attached garages must have a carbon monoxide alarm - including folks who heat their mobile homes with barbecue charcoal. The cheapest CO detector is $18 plus $7.25% sales tax. Each of those dead idiots has a minimum assigned value between $6.66 million (whoa!) and $8.67 million including sales tax, then bumped higher by multi-level homes with garages.

That was how Uncle Al wrote it on a Sunday, after a "Sacramento says 'screw you' sucker" visit to Home Depot. Certain privileged folks saw it early. One can imagine the kind of people who read this stuff. Uncle Al apologizes for having been unbearably optimistic for believing Official Truth's citations. Update:

The US Environmental Protection Agency and an 18 year study of carbon monoxide-related deaths in California say it is even bigger bullshit. California averages 20 - 30 statewide CO-related deaths/year. 31% of those deaths involve drug/alcohol use and "impaired judgement" (being stoned oblivious). Being Officially "saved" by a CO alarm costs at least $18.8 million/life. Uncle Al stands corrected.

01 July 2011 initiated enforcement. Any home not in compliance would be dynamically entered (speed, surprise, violence of action), its residents beaten into bloody pulp, and then fined numbers higher than a Remedial Non-Carry Addition PhD diversity student can count. Lend succor to the Safety Net, sucker.

Wouldn't it be way cheaper to contract kill each of the 40?

Uncle Al, always eager to debauch his life to laud the law - Freedom is Compliance! - got a Code ONE Carbon Monoxide Alarm for $18. He could have paid nearly $80 for a Kidde digital detector whose operation manual KN-COPP-B-LPM was in the Code ONE package. Everything in and on the package plus its contents were WARNING!s. WARNING! was stuck inside the alarm's battery compartment, twice, and WARNING! was molded into its body inside and in back. The packaging was slathered with WARNING!s, the informational inserts were sodden with WARNING!s. The two adhesive-backed deployable WARNING! stickers had extra WARNING!s.

PROPORICONAN PROTECCIÓN INCLUSO DURANTE UN CORTE DE ENERGÍA

If the corpse of Jimmy Durante finds itself caught short atop a Russian Energia rocket, it will find a sexy-shaped tapered condom owned by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Uncle Al's $18 dollars made it possible, even if said funds mysteriously vanished after the receipt appeared.

Said CO alarm was guaranteed (without contingent liability) to eructate a squealing noise for 70 ppm CO in air within four hours of continuous exposure. A Warning WARNING! warned that carbon monoxide will scythe you below 30 ppm. The thing is tits on a boar hog. WARNING! It self-destructs (a feature not a bug) in seven years and then you must buy another. Does it belch CO when it dies? Last tag! WARNING! It screams its death throws like you were being poisoned by retards' farts.

Gentle Reader might suppose that a transcendently stupid person, one living in a mobile home heated with a charcoal grill, might not be a major target audience after focus group studies. How wrong Gentle Reader would be! The Code ONE Carbon Monoxide Alarm is specifically designed against users too stupid to count to three. The battery compartment has three spring-loaded International Warning Orange levers. If not filled with three batteries, the WARNING!-adorned battery compartment cover will not close.

Said battery compartment cover will indeed close. Slide it closed long and within its grooves over the lever-filled but otherwise empty battery compartment. Maybe Uncle Al was doing it wrong. Sequential batteries are inserted in opposite directions and are sure to befuddle the hard of thinking.

This turd of Official Truth is "custom assembled" in China. There will be no couches or electric nose hair trimmers coming off those assembly lines and accidentally ending up on your wall detecting 70 ppm CO within four hours. If there are, then the US money laundry is in Mebane, North Carolina, a town in which two- digit door numbers were scratched in the paint when there was still paint on the doors. Mebane is so small you must travel to Miles for incest. None of Mebane is covered with water, except for Lake Michael and ubiquitous mosquito breeding puddles.

WARNING! "It is not designed to measure compliance with Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA), commercial or industrial standards." You might be better off with a canary perched over a double pole single throw knife switch enabling an air compressor feeding a whoopie cushion.

Carbon monoxide has a mammoth PR-branched infrared absorption centered at 2143.256 wavenumbers. Core ONE senses CO with electrochemistry. One fervently hopes a tiny lab manned by video-trained Andalusian head lice (Pediculosis titanum spp. 'gargantua') is always on the job, at least until they die of old age after seven years.

WARNING! Do not paint the CO alarm.

We hung the Nanny State's $18 plus sales tax doukie from our smoke detector. Blue beams of Cherenkov radiation showered down as bolts of electrochemistry rose skyward. They finally worked it out. We are expecting a little Geiger counter in the spring.


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