Dr. Schund, given rampant iconoclastic international terrorism fomented by Dark Ages religious hind gut fermenters, to what new unexpected assault will the United States fall helpless, hapless, hopeless writhing victim?
The United States was snuggling its economic toes into 21st century deep pile plush wool carpeting when was toppled by a dozen cardboard box cutters and a few sloppily addressed envelopes rich with anthrax spores. Low tech rats scampering in high tech wainscotting merrily gnawed holes and dropped reminders of their passage. A homeowner would have tented and fumigated. Remote disinterested management erupted in Foggy Bottom hysteria. Homeland Severity belched $billions of destroyed dollars pursuing civil tyranny. Foremost among the far seers, Dr. Abfallig Matsch Schund flexed his indomitable mind. One brief cognitive pirouette later he was accepting a fat retainer of .999 fine gold Krugerrands and Maple Leafs.
Dr. Schund is intensively billing for consultation in Thailand. He is riding the tiger of TOP SECRET/Lotus Eater "Project Marx Generator." The International Communist Conspiracy was less dead than resting. Where there is earned value to be stolen, extorted, or consumed there is a penurious fool whining about compassion and equal opportunity - then volunteering somebody else's children to die on the front lines of probity.
Thailand's ruling elite had grown weary and disgusted of sweating into their tiny rice bowls. They wanted mountains of risotto, rice pilaf, and Rice-er-oni served by buxom long-stemmed blonde hardbody naiads with pierced navels and eldritch gymnastic appetites. It was time for America to share the wealth! By what right did the US possess its ill-gotten gains other than having brought them into existence and then social engineering income redistribution taxed them into incipient illiquidity?
Digital electronics are irretrievably wedded to electricity. Teams of oxen, leather belts attached to waterwheels, steam, or slaves under the lash will not do. Steal all the United States' electricity, unplug sumptuous leather shiatsu chairs at the source, and everything comes crashing down. Something more subtle than a very long extension cord was strategically mandated.
Dr. Schund, friend to every scheming Enviro-whiner's bindlestaff bursting with tax-free charitable donations, had an idea. Short of demanding wind-up automobiles the Luddites had extorted battery cars and supercapacitor cars. Long slim slippery cylinders sucking electricity were just what the doctor ordered.
Buddhist priests disguised as racially non-profiled Muslim terrorists slipped into the US with student visas. They were Officially going to pursue Associate degrees in grief counseling at California community colleges. Each vicious degenerate vegetarian pacifist had his lower GI tract stuffed to repletion, cherishing Nature's natural access hatch, with supercapacitors. In the summer of 2002 they all snuggled their butts into dormitory electrical sockets and rolling blackouts began.
Take a huge capacitor bank and charge it in parallel. Current hugely sucks in. Since only high voltage causes capacitor failure the system is not stressed beyond manufacturer's recommended terror levels as it gorges on energy. After the capacitor bank is monstrously topped off, throw a switch and connect all the capacitors in series. While each individual circuit element remains at the same voltage versus its neighbors, the overall configuration now sums voltage instead of current. If you do not mind moving only a fraction of the contained charge you can get it out in a billion volt burst. Boom.
President Bush the Lesser awoke to an awesome sight of thousands of revealed suicide rectoelectrobombers encircling the Kennedy compound in Hyannisport. They had snuggled dorm electrical sockets in parallel to charge. Now they were single file queued in a giant circle and hooked in series (in a diverse lifestyle way left to your gay imagination) to deliver the big bang boom. A highly charged wizened old priest at the front of the line ogled the tight high rounded cheeks of a teen acolyte at the very back. He popped a Viagra, and hundreds of remaining Roman Catholic priests stared at their TV sets eagerly anticipating the usual white collar (which is to say intrusive browneye) crime.
Police negotiators tried tempting the saffron-robed human bombs with jerry cans of gasoline to no avail. Nobel Laureate Jimmy Carter was express-shipped from Georgia. He had brought lasting peace to the Middle East by exhorting Jews and Arabs at Camp David to work together "like good Christians" (echoing British Prime Minister Arthur Balfour). Jesse Jackson was nowhere to be found, though he did promise to be loudly present after the fact. Army technicians at Fort Knox frantically jiggled vault locks trying to get at the national stash of thousand-year old ginseng.
What was a President to do? Nothing. Nothing at all.
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