"My fellow subjects and guest citizens, good evening. A sad day has arrived in the White House, Washington, DC and for all the Unified States of Americans. The presidentuary has been attacked by terrible terrorillas! Both Commandant and Chief must decide!
Iraq had the largest insurgency on Earth. I surged two trillion dollars into our State of Iraq bringing water into their toilets, Christ into their hearts, and Americanista advisors to secure them in freedoms we withhold. Now we have a bigger surgency in Iraq with bigger costs and bigger casualties. US Army and Marine surgents are there for years with orders not to return without surgery - and massive surgeries continue to this day!
We prepare for all Iraqis visiting and never going home. But, as I speak, the enemy state of Iowa has caucusly elected a new President. I verbalize to all of America from our Panamanian canal zones to Canukistan itself - from C to shining C - it wasn't Jeb who brothered me as a child who had a stuffed ballot box, it was a representative of darkness.
Iowa is an Indian name! I warn Iowa that our stiff comrade Pakistan has nukular detergents to launder military expeditioners and more money. Pakistan does not change Presidents - Bhutto was kaputo! I will vacation in the Hampshires and a New Hampshire will arise! My daddy always said, "don't change Presidents in midstream." I ride horses across streams and know. No changes unless I can't get off the saddle in time.
Many are the periods when my lovely wife Laura Cheney Bush has said to me, "let's cruise into the Lincoln bedroom for a little assassination." Heh heh heh. I did a lot of cruising in my time, but now we're big wheels at the ship of state and Laura is in dry dock. The Clintons can come back home if they leave their lawn jockey behind. NOT! (pause for laughter)
Millinery intransigence delivers many vulges to the Precedent of the United States. November 8 2008 has been divulged so we know it is true. An intranational assault upon whites in the house will end governtech as I demand it. The very lives of public assistance are at stake, coasting left and right. Hats off to my Marines who will re-erect the President come November by my secreted orders. Sssssh!
A man has his horse, his wife as necessary, and his daughters as desired. "Incest in America" says Bernhard "BS "Bernanke, and he works for my governmentship making money. They say that Crawford, Texas is not big enough for incest, but by God and country every Bush knows better! I will not surge Iowa with incestments. Never! Not now. Iraq first, always, until later!
The pipes of the InterWeb are clogged with fate language. It is Al Gore's Turklenet sweater. People fear capons of mass destructivism. That's terroristic 9-11 worsening. It is time for the Turklenet to pull its head in. Barack Osama will not put webs on my sight ever again. Governtcrafting is my decision!
Let us talk about economical restitution. Though your gums may recede and even succeed from the union, the Wall Street is all about succession not recession. Dow scrubbing bubbles dropping stock prices by half opens indiscrimination for guest immigrationists to pay for what they get for free. You pay for all of it and don't get anything at all. Fair is fair.
I pledge to lessen employment until unemployment has nowhere to hide. I pledge to plague the helpcareless, help bury the old, and shorten the weak. I pledge to make poverty every worker's concern. I pledge to strengthen mortgage crises, raise interest rates for credit card debts, and inflatuate our dollar until a whole continental of Europeons cannot count high enough to make change for one of their coins. This work is already well begun.
The War on Drugs guarantees drugs for all, and arrests you for it. The War on Terror guarantees terror for all, and delivers it with shipping and handling charges. The Department of Homeland Severity assures the Offal Office that terror will never end. When we end freedom terrorationists will have no targets. I pledge to keep no end in sight! If you see somebody wearing muslim, remember 9-11 and do not cut and run We win! - but will always fight regardless. Every one of you can be the enemy, and, god willing, you will be.
Let there be no fear in our greated country that is not fear of ourselves. Pay your taxes, send your sons and daughters to die for my country. Laws you will never know are at work. I will write them myself.
I am your President forever. Good night."
To return to Uncle Al Outrage Central, click here
To view something awesomely strange...