ASK DR. SCHUND

Dr. Schund, we all know about news:alt.devilbunnies. What is the true threat to Homo sapiens' continued dominance of Earth?

The DevilBunny (http://www.devilbunnies.org/) is everywhere ever encumbered by the Army of Fudd (AoF; Sic semper tyrannis et culiculis daemoniacis! "Thus ever to tyrants and Devil Bunnies!"). Vastly more awful events unfold unchecked. As with all pecuniary trespasses of Official Truth - Whip Inflation NOW!, Ozone Hole, War on Drugs, Greenhouse Effect, National Health Care Crisis - indicators of your mind and wallet being raped are inescapable:

  1. A "simple truth" pounded into your face by the Media until your brain is loosened into suet,
  2. Impenetrable pseudoscientific studies garishly proving imminent destruction awaits, and only your money seized by your government can stop it!
  3. Save Our Children!
  4. Masterfully unctuous villainy always managing to slip past the tightest most expensive inescapable Federal pursuits (Emmanuel Goldstein, $80 billion of recreational pharmaceuticals each year, the Clintons, Homeland Severity)
Dr. Schund, ever vigilant in his diurnal slithers through all mankind's awareness, has erected certain brazen conjectures. A conspiratorial mandated total destruction of all the world is in process at this very moment! Brutal suppression of its spoor, Berke(ly) Breathed's Bloom County character Opus, has failed (even though he was disguised as a puffin!).

Impenetrable pseudoscientific studies garishly confirm the heretofore thought impossible, year by year by year: 

Mod. Phys. Lett. A1 619 (1986)  - Desperately seeking penguin
Nucl. Phys. B 345 1 (1991)      - Penguin box
Phys. Rev. D 44 1454 (1991)     - Penguin trapping
Phys. Rev. Let. 71 674 (1993)   - Evidence for penguins
Nuovo Cim. 108A 1069 (1995)     - Isolating the penguin
Phys. Rev. Lett. 74 2885 (1995) - Penguin decay
Z. Phys. C 66 129 (1995)        - Pure penguin (!!!)
Phys. Lett. B 397 269 (1997)    - Penguin zoology
Phys. Lett. B 399 172 (1997)    - Non-standard penguin
Phys. Rev. D 56 1685 (1997)     - Dipenguin
Nucl. Phys. B 533 3 (1998)      - Penguin hunting
Nucl. Phys. B 512 3 (1998)      - Charming penguin
Eur. Phys. J. C 5 705 (1998)    - Space-like penguins
Phys. Rev. D 57 2752 (1998)     - Penguin contributions
Eur. Phys. J. C 6 451 (1999)    - Electroweak penguins
Phys. Rev. D 59 054007 (1999)   - Taming the penguin
Phys. Lett. B 451 161 (1999)    - The (dreaded) Z-Penguin

What do these learned texts comprise? Vicious mutant space alien nuclear holocaust penguin complicities abound over more than a decade! What agencies will shield mankind from annihilation?

HYPERNUCLEAR PENGUINS! Save Our Children! ("PENGUIN EVOLUTION!" they cry, and the Scientific Penguinists despair.) How simple truth eternally is, staring you in your face wherever you turn, endlessly delivered by the Media, pursuing you in plain sight and always invisible because you are trained never to comprehend it! Penguineros, penguinsitas; legions of genetically engineered hypernuclear penguins hellbent on full-blown planetary hegemony!

The masterfully unctuous villain DevilBunny Himself is abroad! Frigid Hare with Bugs Bunny and Hoboken Penguin; 8 Ball Bunny with Bugs Bunny and (now known as) Playboy Penguin! Bunnies and penguins, penguins and bunnies! Beanie Babies are ample evidence of blasphemy: Zero the penguin, Waddles the penguin; Azalea, Camellia, Carrots, Ears, Floppity, Georgia, Hippie, Hippity, Hoppity, Ivy, Nibbler, Nibbly, Rose, Strawbunny.

But... DevilBunnies? ABSOLUTELY, and at the risk of your soul! http://www.keypad.org/bunnies/ Slow application of heat test, laser exposure endurance test, flame tolerance test, hottub test, electrocution tolerance, coyote test, radiation tolerance test, oxygen deprivation test,... The Energizer Bunny!

The clincher between hypernuclear penguins and DevilBunnies: Dr. Bunny C. Clark, Distinguished University Professor, Department of Physics, Wayne State University, specializing in... relativistic treatment of nuclear reactions and nuclear structure, many-body physics, and relativistic wave equations. Many body physics! The slaughter is closer than you can imagine.

Who will save us? The 1200 Tolte do not bathe as such, a fact painfully replete upon entering a stonelodge. They instead share communal sweat baths in sweatlodges several times a year. Tolte dote on soup made from partially digested Adilie penguin stomach contents. Tolte speak Feorran, which is obsessed with penguins:

"Eo rukan-an zai kene-t soq kemi" Did the boy see that penguin?
"Eo rukan-an zuni-s- e- r kemi- mei" The boy is hunting penguins.
"Eo sora-n teota-s kemi" The man killed a penguin.
"Beo teota-t- e- m pa-n eo kemi" Kill the penguin.

Terra balances upon a needle point as inbred bunches of reeking 160 cm aboriginees hold back Eternity. These are the tongues of ultimate penguin defense, and their warriors' numbers: 

Marti  (1000)   Feorran (1200)   Quyuk ( 750)   Faran   (1000)  
Jalel  (1500)   Heron   ( 850)   Zvar  (1250)   Ko      (unknown)
Hereri (1300)   Anhol   (1100)   Akwa  ( 850)   Aliante (unknown)
Dheod  ( 900)   Simle   (1000)   Mau   ( 300)   Idisa   (unknown)

All computer models converge on 21 December 2012. We are doomed.

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