Dr. Schund, what is the origin of buffalo wings?
Official Truth says that before the conquest of North America by Christ-besotted Spanish psychotic felons, 30 million immense American bison roamed the Central Plains. The dullest of minds suspects the innate absurdity of terrestrial herds of millions of massive herbivores. Grass grows by surface area - the square of the lineal dimension of the herd - but the animals consume volume, which varies as the cube. After the leading edge of the pack eats, denuding the earth of sustenance, what remains for those huge numbers following?
Bison reproduction is paradoxical. Herds occupying square miles limit autonomous individual travel by close packing. For one bison moving independent of his fellows, net progress versus total distance strolled mirrors Brownian motion: It increases as the square root of the total distance walked. One hundred times the range yields only ten times the traverse. Severe inbreeding is inescapable as succeeding generations of single families are spatially constrained to self-association.
That colossal numbers of 900 kilogram bison did exist is irrefutable, much as a termite colony or Mexico City crams seemingly impossible numbers into limited spaces (albeit plastered with feces in both cases). That the loathsome sequelae to severe inbreeding, the expression of recessive pernicious genes and loss of competitive fitness, did not occur is similarly beyond question. Official Truth has massaged the substance of reality into a politically convenient morsel easy to chew but impossible to swallow.
Official Truth portrays bison as torpid herbivores too stupid to destroy hunters devastating their numbers. Dolphins are credited with near-human intelligence short of dying by the tens of thousands annually by drowning in tuna nets. Ha! Undeterred by lurid perils lurking within the blackest of Federal corridors, Dr. Schund illuminates the awful, wonderful truths held within classified TOP SECRET/Lotus Eater national security files.
Bison were obviously caste organisms dividing labors necessary to the survival of the whole among animals ranked by age and evolved specialized anatomy. The movement of food through seemingly impossible constituent numbers and areal extents of oversize animal herds is not amazing, it is implicit. The unit operations of material flux and administrative oversight which are the elementary quanta of organic consumption, metabolism and excretion of a communal organism are built into the system. Massive short term cooperative convection of individuals - sixty billion pounds of ambulatory flesh in constant, logical motion - to sources of assets and safe sinks for waste is superfluous.
American bison reproduction did not arise through interaction of 900 kilogram individuals pinned in relative place by the incessant pressure of their surrounding confreres. A facile mechanism of genetic dispersal existed. Ant or termite colonies synchronously beget and release specialized winged sexual forms which interact free of the social and physical constraints of a single colony, thereby maximally mixing genes to unleash hybrid vigor. Our lowest classes achieve unequaled genetic dispersion and procreative excess through cuckoldry, harlotry, and bastardy. Are we to believe that Plains Indians on foot and armed with stone-tipped arrows (horses and metal were European innovations) stared down 2000 pound bull bison, or that they delightedly captured the tiny winged sexual forms periodically released to spread male gametes throughout the herd?
The tremendous profits to be had by forcing production of the tractable and delicious male drone bison - all muscular wings and bantam gonad - were coopted as a Federal monopoly. Consider beehives. The death or removal of the queen, the only embryo-generating individual, triggers alternate reproductive scenarios wherein formally sterile castes produce and nurture eggs to spawn new queens. The so-called "near-extinction" of the American bison, the common buffalo, is a Federal ruse quieting the populace. It forces a shunt of bull buffalo caste phenotype to the near-exclusive production of winged sexual forms, as the remaining Official bison pursue crisis procreative paradigms.
The rise of the Enviro-whiners, Luddite fanatics decrying all aspects of technological progress while gorging upon litigious extortions, is coincident with the marketplace entry of buffalo wings. The British Raj found it meet to clandestinely support Indian Thuggees raining terror and financial ruin upon the populace, who in turn surrendered freedoms and assets that the British Raj protect them. Our Federal government fosters untold prosecutions of environmental atrocities and species endangerments, that We the People surrender freedoms and assets to preserve scenery and "bring back" species hovering at the brink of Official extinction.
Dr. Schund has eaten buffalo wings, and comes to two conclusions. They taste like chicken; and we have been handed an expensive searing load of bull.