Canukistanis constantly peer over plaid-clad shoulders at the dying writhing capitalist brute south of their border. Twenty nine million pleasant but slightly retarded Socialist tree slaughterers and herring chokers stave off cultural pinocytosis as casual flicks of US consumerism slosh northward by subsidizing endeavors certified as to their majority Canadian content. As with all government porkbarrels, this one is stuffed to repletion with the most amazing and expensive trash. Here now is a selection of slightly bent book reviews of purely Canadian literature. I defy you to identify the two which are unembellished verbatim truth. (Hint: Every entry contains a legitimate book title and and/or parts of one or more real book reviews. You need merely identify the two legitimate titles bundled with their genuine advertising.)
The Exotic Toilet Papers of British Columbia, 113 illustrations, 30 in colour. This marvelous compendium of the almost infinite variety of sanitary papers available to the Western Canadian has been long-awaited and promises to be long-cherished.
Our Last Old Growth Forest, Volume 67: "Three Trees of Bella Bella." Merciless logging practices have devastated the last old growth temperate rain forest in North America. Enviro-whiners are consumed by the need for protection of every last twig and needle dating from our misty past. This book is a compassionate examination of the three remaining old growth trees of Bella Bella, and the need for immediate Crown financing of in-depth Enviro-whiner studies before they are threatened by development.
Socialist Visions. Political empowerment emerges from the life-force of eight young lesbian women. This fine book traps in amber the distant red ochre inscriptions of the rocks and cliffs of the lower Stein Valley.
Seeking the Crow Mother's Wisdom. In this, her third and most powerful posthumous novel, the Mama of Dada drops her inhibitions, spreads her wings and flies.
Think Wood! If we truly love the environment, we must "think wood" every day of our lives.
Found Nowhere Else. A brilliant guide as to method and goals for collecting antique bottles, metalware, and other memorabilia from hidden illicit waste dumps, some dating back as far as the Gold Rush, some as recent as just yesterday.
Christ is in My Compactor. One of the most elegant and compelling stories of how a man, a lowly waste collector, embraced a vision of God and had the forbearance to pursue it without thought of the personal sacrifice of utter devastation.
Dancing with my Daughter. A philosophically satisfying if radical-in-thought denunciation of those who would condemn the practice of unbridled love within the embrace of incest. The author has 19 children and lives in Quebec.
The Beaver Bites Back! Canadians are prepared to thrust their national identity and culture back across their southern border to swamp the US in a fight-to-the-death tit-for-tat reprisal. The slaughter will commence just as soon as Canadians unearth a national identity and culture.
Light for a Cold Land. What reproductive technology can do, and what it should do. This book blends the reality of yesterday with the challenges of tomorrow. The subject matter and engaging style were so compelling that once I started I could not set the manuscript aside.
Fishing for a Living. Shocking, Explosive, Electrifying! The most compulsively readable courtroom thriller since Presumed Innocent!
Man Overboard. A reckless drive down the testosterone highway with warmth, humor, and great style he has put together in is own highly original masculine workshop.
Scent of the Sea - Sniffing the Coast. This first history of North America through Micmac eyes challenges our view of the past. Canada's shame is finally exposed!
Some Very Aryan Deaths. Eva makes friends where she finds them, be they White, Native, non-respectable or colourful.
Grizzlies and White Guys. Master road-builder, pulp mill founder, a later day beer brewer, there weren't many paths Gint didn't cross. Then, the secrets of his lust were exposed!
Trout Tales and Salmon Stories. One of the most vibrant artists of our time speaks from the heart in a soaring book of life, inviting us into worlds of majesty and magic from which we emerge spellbound.