THE THOUGHTS OF UNCLE AL, VII

1. If Washington fears honest citizens armed at their own expense and desire, then Washington should.
2. Religion has god, science has mathematics. It is not a fair fight.
3. The truth is not the same as a majority decision.
4. Gods are fragile things killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
5. That was Zen, this is Tao.
6. When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
7. Education is state-controlled manufacture of echoes.
8. Build a better mousetrap and the world will build a better mouse.
9. The advantage of a liberal education is that it enables you to despise the wealth it prevents you from achieving.
10. Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
11. A problem with genius is that it is easily distracted. Stupidity never scatters its shot.
12. Government is a baby, an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
13. Management is the art of being an architect without ever having been a bricklayer.
14. If your dreams turn to dust, vacuum
15. It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
16. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
17. If you don't know how to do something, you don't know how to do it with a computer.
18. Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
19. We can lick gravity, but the paperwork is overwhelming.
20. Nothing more clearly shows how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other worldly goods than the sort of men who are most amply provided with them.
21. An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
22. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
23. An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued.
24. I have never seen pessimism in a Company prospectus.
25. Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
26. I am a friend of the working man. I would rather be his friend than be one.
27. A person is never happy except at the price of ignorance.
28. To die for an idea is to place a high price on conjecture.
29. A clever man commits no minor blunders.
30. A pessimist is somebody intimately acquainted with an optimist.
31. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
32. Only the mediocre are always at their best.
33. Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
34. A politician is someone who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.
35. A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
36. Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
37. What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
38. A difference of opinion is what makes missionaries.
39. Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.
40. A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
41. I always wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific.
42. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
43. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
44. Conscience and cowardice are indistinguishable.
45. On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.
46. Insanity is the inability to either tolerate ambiguity or to create it.
47. A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't even know existed renders your own computer unusable.
48. Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
49. Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
50. Politics consists of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
51. Finance is the art of passing currency from hand to hand until it finally disappears.
52. Washington is a place where sound travels faster than light.
53. Patriotism should not be the arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.
54. In all recorded history there has not been one economist who had to worry about where his next meal would come from.
55. The public will believe anything so long as it is not founded upon truth.
56. Football is a corporate manager's dream: violence and committee meetings.
57. Profanity provides relief denied even to prayer.
58. To know all is to despise everybody.
59. When you get to the end, stop.

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