THE THOUGHTS OF UNCLE AL, VI

1. If Christ reappears at the turn of the Millennium and sees His shadow, does it portend another 2000 years of televangelism?
2. The authorities don't have your best interests at heart.
3. "More than 90% of people who commit suicide suffer from a psychiatric illness," Chemical & Engineering News 70(4) 5 (1999)
4. Are you feeling clean and wholesome? Science has the cure!
5. An optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds; a pessimist agrees.
6. The ancients stole all our best ideas from us.
7. The secret to creativity is knowing how to obscure your sources.
8. Depression is anger without enthusiasm.
9. Philosophy is the soft science that refutes annoyance by indulging in it.
10. Dancing is the upright expression of laid-back desire.
11. A Liberal is a person who has both feet firmly planted in the air.
12. Two wrongs are just the beginning.
13. There is no Third World plight that cannot be mended by means of disease, famine, pestilence, or war.
14. There is nothing too monstrous for human credibility.
15. Man is a heroic being, with his own happiness as life's moral purpose, with productive achievement as his noblest ability, and reason as his only absolute.
16. The fighting is so vicious because the stakes are so small.
17. The most efficient way to make people equal is to cut them down to size.
18. He who does no research has nothing to teach.
19. For every problem there is one solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
20. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
21. Most people's thought is merely a rearrangement of their prejudices.
22. When given a choice, take both.
23. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, one billion Chinese could not care less.
24. Start at the top and work your way up.
25. Do it by the book, but be the author.
26. When forced to compromise, ask for more.
27. If you can't beat them, join them; then beat them.
28. If you can't win, change the rules. If you can't change the rules, ignore them.
29. Perfection is not optional.
30. "No" means begin again one level higher.
31. Don't walk when you can run.
32. Have the fear and do it anyway.
33. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a garotte.
34. Experience allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
35. All things fail in the manner in which they were designed to fail, regardless of the original conscious intent of the design.
36. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
37. You do not fight barbarians, for they are experts at cutting off your weenies. You subvert barbarians with consumer goods until they degenerate into mush.
38. When in doubt, think!
39. I am lost. I have gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
40. Software code does note evolve, it accumulates.
41. What is the foundation of American zero goal education, corporate management, and government? Mud packs more tightly than jewels.
42. He who would trade liberty for security deserves neither.
43. The future will be like the past - only more so, faster, and completely different.
44. The Law of Cultural Interface: If you find them, they are in trouble. If they find you, you are in trouble.
45. A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
46. God bestowed sense, reason, and intellect. Religion prohibits and punishes their exercise.
47. Yoda of Borg: "Futile is resistance! Assimilate you I will!"
48. Religion is the idyll of mobs that adore everything they do not understand.
49. The way to see by faith is to shut both eyes of reason.
50. Victimhood has replaced Robin Hood stealing from the productive rich and giving to the leeching poor.
51. Liberals do good. Conservatives do well.
52. Whenever you view a work and think the fellow was crazy, you want to pay attention to that. One of you is likely to be, and you had best determine which. It makes a difference.
53. Procrastinate later.
54. Those who beat their swords into plowshares will farm for those of us who do not.
55. Heterosexuality is not only common, it is normal.
56. Conservatives vs Liberals: It is better to pay 20% more for what you get than to pay 50% more for what somebody else gets.
57. God helps those who help themselves to others.
58. Diplomacy is saying "good doggie," until you can find a really big rock.
59. Goals are dreams with deadlines.
60. Force and fraud are cardinal virtues in war, politics, and religion. Perceptions of justice and injustice are contextual, maleable, and evanescent.
61. The world is richer than its fears.
62. Arise ye Gifted and kick ass.
63. Man is his own best enemy.

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