THE THOUGHTS OF UNCLE AL, IV

  1. Support evolution: shoot back.
  2. No pressure, no diamonds.
  3. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum reveals that faith proves nothing.
  4. A good theory makes more sense than common sense.
  5. Give me an ounce of fact and I will return a ton of theory.
  6. Education is the formal jurisdiction of bureaucracy - loser friendly.
  7. Education seeks to impart sufficient data to cause children to stop asking questions. Useful humans ensue when education fails. American zero-goal education denies children any foundation for asking questions, which is not the same thing.
  8. The only difference between asses and visionaries is the future.
  9. Genetic engineering solicits PhDs who regard frogs and oranges as vexingly indistinguishable.
  10. Do something wonderful - onlookers may imitate it.
  11. Without fairy tales reality will kill you. With only fairy tales you are stillborn.
  12. One human death is a tragedy; a million humans dead is a statistic.
  13. The clergy know that I know that they know they do not know.
  14. The difference between a cult and religion is that a religion has political clout.
  15. The difference between a religion and a delusion is the number of people who share it.
  16. Of all sexual perversions, chastity is the strangest.
  17. Theology is a parasite eating at a table set by others.
  18. Never accept a drink from a urologist.
  19. Never get into fights with ugly people - they have nothing to lose.
  20. To steal from one work is plagiarism; to steal from many is scholarship.
  21. You always find something in the last place you look.
  22. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  23. People are always available for work in the past tense.
  24. In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
  25. There is always one more bug.
  26. You are not really drunk until you fall off the floor.
  27. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
  28. The difference between a butcher and a surgeon is less in the entry than the exit.
  29. Life generally stinks; so does good cheese.
  30. "Better" is the eternal enemy of "good enough."
  31. Only those who pay into the System have a natural right to control its disbursements by exercising suffrage.
  32. Learning is not compulsory, neither is survival.
  33. Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
  34. If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
  35. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
  36. Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
  37. If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.
  38. Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world.
  39. A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular.
  40. A fanatic can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
  41. Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
  42. One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.
  43. The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
  44. The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.
  45. Virtue is it's own punishment.
  46. Virtue is insufficient temptation.
  47. Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
  48. Folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
  49. Good leadership produces more leaders, not more followers.
  50. It is a good government that shears its flock, not skins it.
  51. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  52. There is no crueler tyranny than that which is perpetrated under the shield of law and in the name of justice, like Traffic Court or divorce proceedings.
  53. The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
  54. O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.
  55. Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
  56. Progress: The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
  57. The savage's whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.
  58. Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the universe that was left out by mistake.

"You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit."
"What does that make YOU?"
"An executive."

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