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Dr. Schund, what is the biochemical basis by which blondes as a class suffer from intellectual and behavioral deficits?
The legendary enthusiasm of blondes for mating with any male driving a large, red convertible; the vivid tales of blondes incapable of counting to 28; in short, an entire folkloric universe of feeble-minded and horny blonde jokes has a biochemical basis in fact. Note that peroxide blondes suffer the same astounding mental and copulatory syndromes as do natural blondes. Natal blondes who have matured to brunette do not retain blonde behavior. Direct observation points to an environmental rather than primary genetic idiopathy.
Intensively government funded studies were conducted by Dr. Schund on the French Riviera. Triple blind studies - blind male volunteers seeking blind dates in a darkened room - employed test collections of blondes or brunettes exposed to only homogeneous populations of themselves for one happy hour prior to test subject exposure. We can readily differentiate between the two castes of women. Of the male survivors in the first case, 100% correctly identified the test population as being blonde and vehemently demanded to retake the test after a dinner of conch chowder and raw oysters. One male volunteer in the second case signed on a new CPA, one got three new tuna casserole recipes, and seven fell asleep during the test protocol. QED.
The phenomenology of blonde fornicative frenzy and intellectual famine is therefore intimately associated with phenotype not genotype. Blonde hair is unique in that it does not absorb or otherwise bar penetration of a broad range of optical wavelengths of light through the scalp, through the skull, and deep into the brain. Blonde phenomenology must therefore be dependent upon rogue biochemistry precipitated by cerebral photochemistry. In simple terms, blonde hair is a fiberoptic allowing the underlying brain to fry in bright light. It only remained to identify the causative agent.
Cadaver brains of blondes and brunettes were harvested; mechanically and then ultrasonically homogenized in fluoride-deactivated pH-buffered Ringer's lactate at zero degrees Celsius, filtered through cheesecloth to remove lumps, and subjected to two dimensional chromatographic electrophoresis on multiple polyacrylamide and agarose gels. Resolved spots were visualized by Coomassie Blue staining, silver precipitation, ninhydrin reaction, rhodamine fluorescence quench, and everything else we could think of until the budget ran short. Developed gels were digitized. Data sets of (brunette-blonde) and (blonde-brunette) net spectra were displayed. The results are unequivocal.
An initial gross population of 163,486,529 resolved spots on each gel cohort digitally cross correlated to yield only two net spots. The (brunette-blonde) data set uncovered phenethylamine at the six sigma confidence level. This brain-active amine creates feelings of relationship and security. It is derived from the chocolate compulsively eaten by women in lieu of receiving physical intimacy. The (blonde-brunette) data set was also a single spot. The relatively low molecular weight aminaceous substance is heretofore unknown. Isolation and injection of the material into female rhesus monkeys immediately precipitated estrus when they were shown slides of a 1973 cherry red Chevrolet convertible. Introduction of male rhesus monkeys led to rampaging bloodshed. The lone male emerging from the battle later died of cardiac arrest. His body in tonic spasm could only be pried from that of the tranquil and mildly bemused female with two crowbars and a hydraulic jack. Dr. Schund has christened this new and exceptionally potent psychopharmaceutical agent "bimbosine."
Bimbosine was synthesized under stringent P4 containment protocols. It was surreptitiously introduced into the punch at a fraternity mixer. The consequences were unambiguous. Every male launched into unmanageable fantasies of surfing monster waves in Waikiki. Every female ran into the ladies room where three were overcome by hair spray fumes. A SWAT team descended two days later to find the experimental subjects still mindless, covered with hickeys, and uncontrollably twitching. A National Guard unit composed of accountants was sent in to recover the SWAT team.
Bimbosine promises to be of vast therapeutic value in the carefully controlled clinical management of computer hackers, CPAs, Catholic priests, micromastic spinsters, hirsute women of Mediterranean descent, and anybody born in Brooklyn, New York. During the two decades of FDA-mandated testing for safety and efficacy, Dr. Schund has retired to the Bahamas. Licensing fees and royalty pre-payments escalate in a folding green blizzard. Look for a mammoth garage protecting three gargantuan 1973 cherry red Chevrolet convertibles. Dr. Schund can be found surrounded by a luxurious coterie of tropical babes who take their special vitamin pill every morning. Better living through chemistry, everyone!
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