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Why stop at automobiles?
Two airbags might deploy in the faces of a driver and passenger. A city bus carries more than 50 people during the most dangerous of times, continuously parking and accelerating into traffic, and weaving through angry rush hour commuters. This ungainly mechanical behemoth bursting with victims of society's havoc, belching ecologically beneficial diesel fumes, lurching along the asphalt... has not a single seatbelt anywhere within it! It is our duty as caring people, by regulation and law, to mandate the placement of airbags within every city bus. If two deployed automobile airbags are a good thing, fifty deployed bus airbags will be smashing!
If a bus proceeding at 30 mph needs 50 airbags, why are airplanes landing at 150 mph with 300 passengers exempt? Why exempt planes flying at 600 mph? We have all seen the acres of ruin caused by an accident. A collapsed landing gear transforms a multi-million dollar aircraft to a fireball of metallic confetti generously decorated with sprinkles of charred human flesh. Where are the airbags! The explosive deployment of 300 airbags would not only save 300 lives. The lightning release of 120,000 liters of pure nitrogen would purge the passenger compartment of all oxygen, quenching any fires. Mid-air collisions need no longer claim 600+ human lives at a gulp. Federal Aviation Commission-mandated airplane airbags, passenger parachutes, crash helmets, g-suits, intensive emergency training, certification, and quarterly re- education can statistically decrease air passenger mortality throughout the whole of planet Earth!
An ocean liner does not carry 300 passengers. An ocean liner carries 2000 passengers. Are there any airbags? NO! Innocent lives are put at continuous risk by allowing a literal town of people to wander the speeding decks, lean over the guardrails into the ocean, and consort with Richard Simmons or Willard Scott. I have seen the advertisements! Remember what happened to the Titanic when it hit an iceberg? Consider the moral burden we all must bear for not demanding - enforced by stiff fines and mandatory minimum jail sentences - that these victims be strapped in place facing huge airbags awaiting the slightest excuse for deployment. We must save lives, and damn the cost!
If protecting mature adults against their will and to their great financial loss is necessary to save their lives, though those very same lives must be sacrificed in the process, can our commitment to our children be any less important? If protecting 2000 people on an ocean cruise is a national priority - The Cruise Ship Crisis - what about millions of teenagers contained within the military?
How can the Occupational Safety and Health Administration stand idly by while young boys hardly capable of growing a fine down upon their upper lips are thrown out of helicopters by evil, grinning sergeants? Grasping in desperation at ropes dangling over the side, they ride their terror downward not to be greeted at the bottom by OSHA-mandated industrial-grade kinetic energy absorption pads of surface area ten times the maximum expected to be needed. Oh no! They rappel down the lines to land in dirt. Do the helicopters have airbags? NO!
Every moment of every man's, woman's, and child's life must be continuously and infinitesimally scrutinized by government minions, regulated and certified correct, and ferociously hounded to voluntary compliance lest they be allowed to practice personal responsibility. The safety net must be woven and rewoven with massive hawsers fashioned of prodigal fiscal benevolence. The populace must be forever skinned alive while being convinced that they can vote themselves rich out of the public treasury... because if for one moment anyone raised his head out of the protection of the Federal bog, they would understand that dry land lay just beyond their alms-begging, awaiting only personal initiative. It would cost so much less of them were they not continuously fighting the sucking governmental mud, or greeted with an explosive face blast of hot nitrogen, caustic lye, and Official truth.
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