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Excess inventory solicits hucksterism, from dreadful spray-in-your-mouth vitamins' Home Shopping Channel mongery to nails and bailing wire good luck crucifixes hustled in tabloid classified ads. One burrows deep into America's material and metaphysical middens to espy chaos awaiting gift wrapping, publicity, and a meaty cut of the action. Ponder http://www.jailbabes.com/, an entrepreneurial collection of female prisoners' pictures, data, and strategic objectives ("young, dumb, and full of cum" in one memorable instance). For a small fee the empathetic Liberal can choose from among 1000+ incarcerated pen pals with whom to strike up correspondence or exchange gifts. This is one collection of distaff pulchritude that cannot walk away from you.
Grotesqueries, like carnival sideshows in the days when their product did not have blue-lined parking spaces reserved, enjoy enthusiastic if discreet trade. The discerning connoisseur eschews mere gawking. The veracious enthusiast endeavors to embrace the medium and its message. Dig the chicks' names:
Alondra Chonique Genterial Lakreasha Rowenna Talaka Altus Darnette Hynika Lanessa Shameka Tamisha Alvatina Deautra Jackqulyn LaQuita Shametra Tanji Ardith DeElla Jacyl LaResiha Shanta Tanna Ariadna Delicah Janie LaTasha Sharity Tarsha Avia DeLinda Javona Latine Shawnte Theola Caretha Deneen Juawana Marara Shayla Tonja-Jo Carletha Donella Katica Mardie Sherleene Trecy Cathey Dyiena Kaudet Marisela Shametra Tremaine Celinda Earlene Kaysandra Maurlene Shonda Tressa Chameka Estella Khristell Mazola Shuna Velria Charlesetta Felecia Kisha Meri Shuntina Vertresa Chasity Fredah LaDonna Rochunda Silvana Zinata
A daughter stuck with Mazola, Shuntina, or Rochunda for a name postures in the queue marked for suffering a world of hurt. Note that these hogsnorters are not isolated instances growing moldy in a remainders bin. These names are popular (as these things go).
There are countries that impose limits on the kind (e.g., only if occurring in their State-sanctioned bible) or the number of names appended to a baby. Envision a pair of meter-wide hips and balled fists set akimbo upon them boosting the aural assault of "Nebuchadnezzar, come home for dinner!" (if Chaldean or Neo-Babylonian kings turn you on, you might go for his historical revisionist moniker Nebuchadrezzar, or his dynasty-founding (626 BC) dad Nabopolassar.) Imagine poor little Nebuchadnezzar trying to fit his name into the answer squares on standardized tests. He is in the express lane leading to Trauma City.
A little debutante might be in third grade before the alphabetic intricacies of Jackqulyn finally nestled in her writing hand. Whatever mind set is necessary to grasp that name is surely inimical to commonplace reading and writing skills, and possibly speaking. Jackqulyn will join Earlene, Sherleene, and Maurlene popping gum, ratting their hair, and smoking in the girls' john.
The Bill of Rights, specifically the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, grants stupid or malicious parent(s, in the odd circumstance of wedlock) vast elbow room to unite the nascent kid with traumatic quantitative or qualitative appellation, re Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa, or Chastity Bono. This great nation shall not be sullied by Official fiat enjoining Deneen or Shametra from walking the streets seeking celebration of their ethnic inclinations.
The National Security Agency re Homeland Severity punctiliously (and warrantlessly) surveils every form of continental electronic communication - telephone, fax, e-mail, Usenet, and surfing the Net. They could cover birth registries. Schools will report deviant pseudonyms, christening certificates will be scanned, DMV databases will be scoured. A Deautra or a Sherlon will install casual perpetual surveillance. The kid can be warehoused in prison before cavalier drive-by manslaughter evolves into professional first degree murder (a jealously guarded prerogative of jackbooted State compassion everywhere).
Like plastic surgery correcting facial disfigurement and allowing an asocial victim of circumstance to be painlessly embraced by his community, so name rehabilitation secondary to parole or release could be mandated. "Hey, Genterial, how would you like to be Betty?" It could be that Juawana ("do you want to") only needs a cleaner Jane Hancock to kickstart her life.
Ha. Like a bonsai artfully dwarfed and twisted to become what it is, Dyiena and Chameka are not subject to remediation. They will perserveratively commit felonies, erode the substance of society, and abundantly drop little Khristells and Choniques in their wakes. We could quietly give them one-way bus tickets into French Canukistan (Quebec, where monotonically declining population would make it hard to say "no"). We could revoke their Social Security numbers in partial compensation for acts against society, instructing them in what victimhood is really about. We could put them in livery and let them work off their debt - but any of that would be wrong. Pay up, sucker.
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