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Dr. Schund, how can the average citizen access the romance and excitement of United States' high technology military research?
The obscene profits, incredible corruption, and illicit diversion of funds commonplace to major military contractors is out of the reach of the average citizen. Few of us possess the necessary degree of feral skullduggery to retain as consultants our entire family through cousins five times removed. Few of us care to exercise the outlandish fabrication of overhead charges like the depreciation of birdbaths and sidewalks. Few of us can access the legions of MBAs and CPAs necessary to cook the books, maintain cash flow without taxable profits, and keep us out of the slammer after an OMB audit. Few of us have the resources to videotape an elected representative diddling with a 15 year old Congressional aide, thus impressing upon that politician the importance of passing special legislation to make us Stealth subcontractors. The average citizen must be content with the paltry megadollars of government largess thrown our way.
Each year, by Federal mandate, the various Pentagon operational groups must devote a specified percentage of each of their budgets to public solicitations of research. This is the Small Business Innovative Research (SBIR) Program. This happens because an officially allocated billion dollar research project cannot accomplish nearly as much, nearly as fast as some enthusiastic weirdo mucking about in his garage on weekends. I have a two car garage. Each year I receive absolutely gratis a 400+ page soft bound book containing requests for Ribbonized Organized Integrated Electrical Wiring Interconnect System for the V-22 Osprey, Soldier Compatible Air Defense Display, Response of In Situ Rocks to Nuclear Weapons Effects, and the wonder wowser of them all, Fiscal 1990 Program Solicitation 90.1:AF90-132 Air Breathing Propulsion Using Antimatter.
Courtesy of Einstein's equation relating energy, mass, and the speed of light squared (which in SI units is a 9 followed by sixteen zeros, a seriously large number), we find out that about 23.278 grams of antimatter sloppily handled will give you a one megaton blast - half from the antimatter, half from the matter. A piece of anti-lead the size of a cold capsule will erupt with a 500 kiloton surprise. This may discourage the enemy from shooting at our planes, but does raise some authentic concern about the effect of an errant pigeon sucked into the air intakes. The Air Force slyly hints at potential difficulties, asking "...what safety and operations problems would such a vehicle cause?"
Well guys, don't stand behind the thing when the pilot throws it into gear, and your insurance will probably be canceled if a hard landing cracks the fuel tank and vaporizes most of North America. I suggest creating a massive public relations division whose members are perpetually poised, set and networking, ready to enact a smothering blanket of damage control...
"The main concerns for this study would be the estimation of thrust levels available..." We are here today with senior guidance specialist Llewellyn "Jumbo" Cajones, test pilot of the Top Secret advanced propulsion vehicle powered by the controlled mixing of matter and antimatter. The Lockheed Intermixed Hadron/Photon Conversion Module, affectionately known as the Matterslapper, had its first successful flight test yesterday.
"Jumbo, how much thrust does the Matterslapper have?"
"You know how Corvettes have about 300 horsepower, and the Saturn V launch vehicle has 78 million horsepower and stands thirty stories tall? This here Matterslapper is the size of two Corvettes laid end to end, and it pulls 224,000,000,000 horsepower. 'Course, you gotta be real careful with the clutch pedal, and it does pull just a tad to the right. This baby will do 0-100 in just under a second."
"Gee Jumbo, does 100 mph have military significance?"
"Nope, but Mach 100 is kinda useful."
"What kinds of ordnance will Matterslapper bombers carry?"
"They don't need no ordnance. The pilot just glides his baby down the tube, flat out at 500 feet above the ground."
"And then, what?"
"And then, nothing. The ground ain't there no more."
We get to the Air Force's expectations at the end of AF90-132: "Phase 1 activity will include a literature search, development of concept vehicle(s), as well as a parametric study that would provide size, weight and performance estimates of the vehicle concept(s)." I envision two massive engine nacelles jutting from a cylindrical body containing the sensor operations deck, said cylinder in turn underpinning a formidable saucer housing crew quarters, support, and the command deck. Crown Books will provide a complete literature search and documentation, including next generation ideas. It is going to cost, but I think I can lease the services of visionary Intermixed Hadron/Photon Conversion Module engineers trained by Gene Roddenberry.
Hey kids, you too can be government researchers boldly going where no man has gone before. Just write for information:
U.S. Department of Defense
SBIR Program Office
Washington, DC 20301-3061
United States of America
Army, Navy, Air Force, Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, Defense Nuclear Agency, Strategic Defense Initiative Organization - Be the first one on your block to collect all six!
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