Outrageous On-Line Uncle Al
These are works of fiction. There is no attempt made nor
desire extant to libel or otherwise cause malicious damage, loss,
public contempt, defamation, blasphemy, treason, sedition, or ridicule
to persons, cabals, governments, institutions, corporations, or assemblies
of inanimate objects, alien lifeforms, microorganisms, clergy, vegetables,
animals, or observed spatio-temporal reality.
If it is found that any extant entity or collection of entities
maintains an uncomfortable congruence to the caricatures and ridiculous
comedic exaggerations contained herein, the author offers his apologies
and condolences...
...and if you are still pissed off, you are invited to go pound
sand up your ass.
Conciliation has its limits.
Carnivore/DCS1000, RIP, Altivore, ECHELON, WinWhatWhere...
It's the Keystroke Kops!
New Weapons of Mass Consumption
Week 555!
Do you burn out from living in the fast lane? Speed Sleep
will refill you, Dep will armor you. Prepare for ecorgasm as
the ultimate diaper keeps you culturally sanitary.
- Ask. Dr. Schund
Dr. Schund is appalled by eight wasted hours of sleep daily. Behold the liberator of life itself: Speed Sleep.
- Coiffure in Aspic
Civilization's vigor depends upon the occasional unspoken unctuous horror. I love this stuff!
- Dep Charge
We anxiously anticipate Recombinant DNA Dep thumbing through a proffered Vogue magazine and taking a hand in its own gelatinous function thereafter.
- Ask Dr. Schund
How can people complain about nuclear waste when the world is filled with babies?
- Ecorgasm
Crass abuses of privilege to amass money and power, and for sheer joy of squeezing a skinny neck, are called "Enviro-whinerism."
It is incompetent fascists, corporatists, and double-digit IQ
christ-besotted jackasses (Manchurian Candidate McCain) against
bleeding heart Liberals, welfare pimps, Enviro-whiners, feminazis,
and Queer Nation (Clitler and the Dark Lord). Choose wisely.
Uncle Al's view of Enviro-whinerism.
Uncle Al's view of Homeland Severity.
Shooting fish in a Muslim barrel.
Semper fidelis, raghead bastards.
This is what feeding
the Third World buys you.
Bushist America.
General Relativity and string theory demand the
Equivalence Principle: All local bodies vacuum free fall along
identical trajectories. Only an EP geometic parity violation is
still allowed. The
experiment
needs two quality diffential scanning calorimeters at 40-50 °
latitude for five days.
Genius is not knowing everything. Genius is knowing
where to find it. SEARCH ENGINES!
and 500 power surfer links.
The Collected Uncle Al is going into 100% HTML
format, eventually. Orders will resume when the job is finished
and debugged - probably in mid-2005. Nah. Mid-2006.
Mea culpa.
OK, maybe end of 2007. More likley 2008. The synthesized Type IIb
diamond
thingie
and the physics experiment in progress are more interesting.
Mazepath is administered
by JW Hooper, prestigious alpha geek code poet. His three kids
aced Michigan gifted children evaluation tests despite (because
of!) not going to school. They were each and all told to go to
Hell because slum bunnies need Diversity.
WARNING! TOXIC!
Not recommended for children or mammals in general:
- Graffiti of the Gods
The secret of ambrosia, the quaff of the gods, is encoded within the wrinkles of human skin.
- Speaker to Ducks
Uncle Al was unemployable as a PhD chemist, so he was job-retrained as an Avian Perceptual Counselor. Join him in his new vocation, Speaker to Ducks.
- Breach of Salmon
Curried rice, the defloration of 43 pubescent virgins and gravel beds. What a fish story!
- Tuna, Hold the Dolphin
If dolphins are so smart, how is it that tens of thousands of them get drowned in tuna nets year after year after year... and Uncle Al is being held accountable?
- Greenhousing
A primary pillar of the Greenhouse Effect is sea lion farts.
- Ask Dr. Schund
Dr. Schund establishes a rational basis for the much debated existence of god, and its expectations.
- The God Who Eats You
The meek will inherit the earth when the strong seek their destiny amidst the stars. That trip has been annulled.
- Ask Dr. Schund
When God first dictated the 20 Commandments to Moses on Mt. Sinai the only surfaces suited to transcription were planks of matsoh he brought along for lunch. Moses was a fresser...
- The Coordinates of the Tooth Fairy's Castle
Tooth Fairy Castles are everywhere. Any society moving in will discover that they have, each and every one of them, no floors.
- Who Hears the Peatmoss When it Cries?
The Sierra Club lost its office building to fire. I expect that their new building will be built of ecologically sound adobe, thatch, and leather, don't you?
- Ask Dr. Schund
Dr. Schund discloses the biochemical basis by which blondes as a class suffer from intellectual deficits and copulatory ferocity.
- "Butch" Janeway and the Bodacious Bimborg
I would have optioned a heavy metal or techno actress with major facial piercings: "SFX this, weenies."
- Fnordic Track
Only Fnordic Track connects mind to body to reality in an unsunderable transcendental triad! Only Fnordic Track hones your exercise skills with a high-powered rifle! Any problems?
- Ergs by Any Other Name are Still an Embarrassment
When God stopped the sun in the sky for the Battle of Jericho, what did he do with the excised 2.38 billion metric tonnes mass equivalent of Earth's rotational energy?
- Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Uncle Al requested a medley of Loreli, Love is a Stranger, and Cup of Wonder. Canada's RadioQ poured forth Cheryl Crow.
- Sandy gang aft agley, an' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain
If you can ride herd on 800 Severely Gifted - and you never show panty lines - you're hired.
- 2010 Skidoo!
- Autodestruct Sequence
Consider a car engine computer virus. It might launch you in a 110 mph run down Interstate 5 during rush hour. Does that strike terror within your First World heart?
- The Miracle of Ear Wax
Ear wax is a miracle flame extinguisher, demonstrated by Dr. James Wightman just before OSHA busted his chops.
- Ask Dr. Schund
Dr. Schund has plans for a dimensional implosion bomb. He wonders whether Creation will dissipate with a clockwise or counterclockwise swirl.
Liberal political canon celebrates genetic, developmental, and behavioral
trash; reproductive warriors, religious hind gut fermenters, drug addicts,
Enviro-whiner Luddites; the stupid, the pathetic, and the Officially Sad.
Uncle Al says, "Civilization is the slow process
of ignoring the fears and appetites of minorities."
Beware cultures grown comfortable within their ancestors' nightmares.
FIGHT BACK! The future is wrought by the gifted - you, for instance.
A clever person would click for apotheosis:
