Outrageous On-Line Uncle Al

These are works of fiction.There is no attempt made nor desire extant to libel or otherwise cause malicious damage, loss, public contempt, defamation, blasphemy, treason, sedition, or ridicule to persons, cabals, governments, institutions, corporations, or assemblies of inanimate objects; alien lifeforms, microorganisms, clergy, vegetables, animals, or observed spatio-temporal reality.

If it is found that any extant entity or collection of entities maintains an uncomfortable congruence to the caricatures and ridiculous comedic exaggerations contained herein, the author offers his apologies and condolences...

...and if you are still pissed off, you are invited to go pound sand up your ass.
Conciliation has its limits.

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Carnivore/DCS1000, RIP, Altivore, ECHELON, WinWhatWhere...
It's the Keystroke Kops!

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New Weapons of Mass Consumption
Week 721!

Uncle Al goes intellectually slumming this week. He visits non-decimal places and a temple of rotted cabbage, farts at Vegans, revels at stinky flowers... but first: photon rights!

• No Photon Left Behind!
  "A Proposal for Correcting Social Inequities Intrinsic to the Drunkard's Walk: No Photon Left Behind"
• Hexadecimal Dependency
  The Net is every individual's shout into the night, answerable by all humanity. We revel in our newly conjured hexadecimal dependencies. We have found the meaning of life.
• Being a Gracious Winner
  The land of kimchi has discovered avarice, trespass, and ecstasy - and subsumed religious and secular backbones supportive of Terran dominion.
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund blunts the shrill condemnations of rabid vegetarian harpies by creating a kinder and gentler carnivory.
• Meatsong
  Uncle Al is possessed of unusual wants and desires. Something warmly redolent of decaying flesh this way comes. Yes!

• Unscrambled Eggs
  Tie one on - your brain will work better for it, afterward.
• Just and Proper Deaths
  Any home not in compliance would be dynamically entered (speed, surprise, violence of action)... and then fined numbers higher than a Remedial Non-Carry Addition PhD diversity student can count.
• Ask Dr. Schund
  We do not wish our people to slavishly capitulate to our whims, We wish them to be neuroanatomically incapable of doing otherwise. Dr. Schund will save you from yourself.
• Migrant Pharm Worker
  Uncle Al was once lead scientist at a number of biomedical manufacturers. Now he is but a migrant pharm worker.
• Five by Five
  Divide the Earth's surface into 1650 segments, guess each of their temperatures 150 years ago, exercise your assumptions, apply for more grant money. Oh yeah, "Greenhouse Effect!" er, "Global Warming! ah, "Climate Change!"
• Spray Can In Space!
  "Ahm seein' seben hund'd fiddy heah, wid a zera, mils. An' ahm seein' two hund'd twenny heah, wid no exter zera, mils wid stuff." How could NASA lose?
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund will get you into Business School with a fat scholarship if you give him 20% of your first year's salary before taxes when you are graduated.
• The Medfly
  Every Medfly in Southern California is now dependent upon massive nightly airdrops of malathion to stay alive. Keep those copters humming!
• Ask Dr. Schund
  A volatile substance with a huge permanent dipole moment suited to converting the Earth into an IR convection oven is saturating our air. Dr. Schund demands a War on Water!
• How's This for a Really Bad Idea?
  The Muslim world simmers with the cultural venture of mehndi. There is no idea so awful that a woman will not pursue it seeking beauty and status.
• First Contact
  Suppose outworlders' first interception of Earth's electromagnetic leakage was a porn flick... and they liked it!
• Little Fishies in the Deep Blue Sea
  38 varieties of seafood will kill you unless you fork over charitable donations, big time.
• Extraterrestrial Travesty
  We sent a base station and a remotely piloted robotic vehicle to Mars. They broadcast back their endless boredom.
• No-Thanks Giving
  Uncle Al's mother inflicted herself upon the Left Coast, obsessively determined to derange any nascent sexuality of her grandsons.
• A Poorly Tuned Lie
  Government needs strong friends to forge electorates of meek vassals. Freedom is compliance.
• Sarah Palin for President!
  Ronald Reagan returns, in high heels, dancing backwards. Kinder, küche, kirche, blitzkrieg.
• The Mortuaries of Madison County
  The moist tip of her tongue swept across her upper lip. She flushed, and her hand trembled ever so slightly. John Portmeirion lay still before her. She began.
• Mashed Potatoes
  Uncle Al held a pot of mashed potatoes resembling library paste. What fiendish molecular weapon could he wield to save his dinner?
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund has founded the Institute for Scientific Ethnoanthropoesy. What is reality, and can we get grant support?
• Little Affinity
  Capitalism is about investment and accumulating gain. What prevents an ethnic group from succeeding in America?

Uncle Al says, "Go postal before the rates rise again."

Beware cultures grown comfortable within their ancestors' nightmares. FIGHT BACK! The future is wrought by the gifted - you, for instance. A clever person would click for apotheosis: