Outrageous On-Line Uncle Al
These are works of fiction. There is no attempt made nor
desire extant to libel or otherwise cause malicious damage, loss,
public contempt, defamation, blasphemy, treason, sedition, or ridicule
to persons, cabals, governments, institutions, corporations, or assemblies
of inanimate objects, alien lifeforms, microorganisms, clergy, vegetables,
animals, or observed spatio-temporal reality.
If it is found that any extant entity or collection of entities
maintains an uncomfortable congruence to the caricatures and ridiculous
comedic exaggerations contained herein, the author offers his apologies
and condolences...
...and if you are still pissed off, you are invited to go pound
sand up your ass.
Conciliation has its limits.
Carnivore/DCS1000, RIP, Altivore, ECHELON, WinWhatWhere...
It's the Keystroke Kops!
New Weapons of Mass Consumption
Week 674!
After last week's sojourn into crispy critterdom, we return
to deep fried neurons. Perhaps next week we will squat upon
riders of the short bus. Hire the retarded! Management is a
self-defining concept.
- Flash, the Cat
I was speechless as he dropped a battered and comatose mouse at my feet, sat back on his haunches and - I swear to it - put on a big grin. My baby is a mouser!
- A New Kind of Purity
Do the properties of an isotopically pure solid differ from those of the natural mixture? YES, and in useful ways.
- Toward Metallic Hydrogen
Metallic hydrogen would be a really neat substance to have in hand. Uncle Al puts the pedal to the mettle.
- Catastrophe of Astounding Proportions
The Earth has about 67 cubic miles of petroleum and 23 times as much carbon waiting as other fossil fuels. Burn, baby, burn!
- Getting Small
How can diamond be economically crushed below one micron particle sizes? Hand Maxwell's Demon a very small hammer and chisel.
When swine vote, the man
with the slop bucket is always elected swineherd no matter how much
slaughtering
he does.
Uncle Al's view of Enviro-whinerism.
Uncle Al's view of Homeland Severity.
Shooting fish in a Muslim barrel.
Semper fidelis, raghead bastards.
This is what feeding
the Third World buys you.
Bushist America.
Uncle Al has committed two terrible acts in public! He
published
(pdf) a pair of simple experiments using
existing
apparatus and commercial materials that could falsify the whole
of physics without contradicting any prior observation in any venue
at any scale. Contemporary physical theory is a disaster - quantized
gravitation and SUSY. Only new observation can transcend Official
cluelessness (the parity Eötvös experiment!). Somebody
should look.
Uncle Al created
[6.6]chiralane,
a molecule not
superposable upon its mirror image, hence chiral. Nobody can
assign stereochemical nomenclature to its five central chiral atoms.
Does it burn
(pdf), Chemical Abstracts and IUPAC, does it burn?
It need not be a physicist who tanks all of physics. The
parity
calorimetry experiment is bonehead undergrad chem lab.
Fourier transform microwave spectroscopy of racemic opposite
chirality molecules in vacuum would disclose divergent enantiomer
spin state populations varying with time of day.
Twistane
and derivatives are good test cases. Twistbrendane, with one of
twistane's two-carbon bridges contracted to a one-carbon bridge,
is also good. Four chiral centers within ten or nine heavy atoms
is efficacious.
Mazepath is administered
by JW Hooper, prestigious alpha geek code poet. His three kids
aced Michigan Gifted children evaluation tests despite (because
of!) not going to school. They were each and all told to go to
Hell because slum bunnies need Diversity scholarships.
WARNING! TOXIC!
Not recommended for children or mammals in general:
- The Emergency Room
Uncle Al was engulfed in a Class D chemical fireball, instantaneously burning 40% of his hide and melting his watch. They took him to the Emergency Room, and the fun really started!
- Burn Ward
Uncle Al survived the Emergency Room, so they stripped him, wetted him down, and went to work with stainless steel scrapers. It was for his own good.
- Mini-Rounds
A bored nurse thrashed a lead-weighted truncheon about the insides of Uncle Al's sinuses. She was threading a nasogastric tube along a scenic route into his stomach.
- The Skin Transplant
"We are going to remove the damaged skin from your arm and replace it with healthy skin from your thighs." Uncle Al admired his doctor's peppy attitude, and the lights went out.
- Homecoming
They found one last way to hurt Uncle Al. Sickened and writhing, he heard himself squeal and squeal again. He was awash with emptiness, and they then let him go home.
- The Touch-Up
Nine months passed, and the doc asked Uncle Al, "Are we going to reduce the hypertropic scarring on your left hand, or what?" A journey of a thousand agonies resumes with a single nod.
- End Game
They went to pull all the surgical staples, but forgot the pain medication. Uncle Al reminded them, and remembered to never do this again!
- Ask Dr. Schund
What is the origin of buffalo wings? Dr. Schund's discovery will not be averted by their tasting like chicken.
- Bung!
"Peanut ingestion caused a 41% increase in rectal mucosal proliferation in individuals with macroscopically normal mucosa." Your doctor is all smiles and thin latex gloves.
- The Baby Boom
The Baby Boom was government's way of getting women out of the workplace after WWII.
- Not Available in Any Store!
Walter Brennan had a voice like a rusty washboard. Would you pony up $18.45 for 21 Down-Home Classics and 2 All-Time Favorite Albums for the Price of 1!?
- Human Rights Violations
Clinton is a reckless murderer of civilians (Bubba, not Secretary of State Clitler). US military follows his illegal orders as did any Nazi embraced by a Nuremberg Tribunal docket.
- Teaching and Learning
Given total 100 published physics titles opposing 100 gibberish titles, pair by pair, the average physicist can best guess the correct one by choosing the longer title.
- Learning about Seawater
Uncle Al risked his life and his wallet going to the beach. Run away!
- Income Limits Pursuant to CCR Title 25 Section 6932
Personal responsibility is mortal sin to every social engineering excuse for your kid being robbed of his lunch money and his education.
- It is Thus Ordained
Malthus and Darwin are about to confront Democratic Obamanation's generosity and Mother Teresa's social conscience. Unhappily, civilization is betting on the losers.
- World War III
Hard by the end of the 20th century the United States of America stood invincibly astride the Earth. Its defeat was inevitable.
- Orthodonture
The object of orthodonture is a face south of nose deformed flat as an infantryman's feet.
- Smilin' Bob
Smilin' Bob is the County Tax Assessor. His biannual message is a simple one: "Hand it over or be destroyed."
- Hate Crimes? Don't Do Them.
Burning churches are religion's devotees looking at each other aghast, and proceeding by their own god's rules of engagement.
- He Made His Bones
Uncle Al's friend Jim has a mighty unusual ivory gearshift knob in his car. It is not so much homemade as homegrown.
- Alien Construction Kit
If there exists life more robust and varied than the local product, we have a model of how it might work.
- That Certain Something
I knew there was something uncommon about her soon after I walked through her door.
Liberal political canon celebrates genetic, developmental, and behavioral
trash; reproductive warriors, religious hind gut fermenters, drug addicts,
Enviro-whiner Luddites; the stupid, the pathetic, and the Officially Sad.
Uncle Al says,
"A hero writes history.
A historian wrights history.
A nation rites history.
A Liberal rights history...
then soldiers die."
Beware cultures grown comfortable within their ancestors' nightmares.
FIGHT BACK! The future is wrought by the gifted - you, for instance.
A clever person would click for apotheosis:
![[6.6]chiralane](http://www.mazepath.com/uncleal/schwartz.png){kind=link}
