Outrageous On-Line Uncle Al

These are works of fiction. There is no attempt made nor desire extant to libel or otherwise cause malicious damage, loss, public contempt, defamation, blasphemy, treason, sedition, or ridicule to persons, cabals, governments, institutions, corporations, or assemblies of inanimate objects, alien lifeforms, microorganisms, clergy, vegetables, animals, or observed spatio-temporal reality.

If it is found that any extant entity or collection of entities maintains an uncomfortable congruence to the caricatures and ridiculous comedic exaggerations contained herein, the author offers his apologies and condolences...

...and if you are still pissed off, you are invited to go pound sand up your ass.
Conciliation has its limits.

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Carnivore/DCS1000, RIP, Altivore, ECHELON, WinWhatWhere...
It's the Keystroke Kops!

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New Weapons of Mass Consumption
Week 646!

Uncle Al suffers chronic higgledy-piggledy problems with two classes of objects: inanimate and animate.

• Them's the Brakes
  Toyota gas pedals displayed an annoying tendency to fully depress and stay that way. Owners claimed growing annoyance at "power mode."
• That Goddamned Watch
  Uncle Al has an uncomfortable suspicion that hitting his wrist against an edge will activate his watch's undocumented "Emergency Traumatic Amputation" feature.
• The Paperless Office
  Canukistan finally got the hang of cuneiform clay tablets, then somebody invented paper.
• Planting an Idea
  Can everybody be watched all of the time by incorruptible overseers? Yes. Silicon to the rescue!
• Getting their Attention
  Homeland Severity smashes innocent citizens and runs in terror from, ah, terrorists.

It need not be a physicist who tanks all of physics. The parity calorimetry experiment is bonehead undergrad chem lab. Fourier transform microwave spectroscopy of racemic opposite chirality molecules in vacuum would disclose divergent enantiomer spin state populations varying with time of day. Twistane and derivatives are good test cases. Twistbrendane, with one of twistane's two-carbon bridges contracted to a one-carbon bridge, is also good. Four chiral centers within ten or nine heavy atoms is efficacious.

• Destroy All Gifted
  If all people are to be equal, we must cut the competent and productive ones down to size.
• Safety First!
  When somebody in the shop sawed off a few fingers with a power saw, the Canadian will to somehow muddle on through won out to even greater disaster.
• Ask Dr. Schund
  The safe place to store nuclear waste is under thick concrete or asphalt freeways. The advantages and profits to be had enrage Enviro-whiners worldwide.
• Buying a New Car
  Uncle Al was going to buy a new car after only 12 years of driving his Rabbit. Maybe this time he will get a car
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund is convinced that the Iraqis cannot be persuaded by bombs or blockade. He suggests Smart Pig Air-dropped Munitions. SPAM the ragheads!
• Glabrous Intellect
  Even zealous pacifists find Rudolph J. Rummel repulsively irksome. Let's run with that.
• A Christmas Story
  Uncle Al rediscovers his cultural roots, and then sends for a skip loader to help rebury them.
• Rhinotillexomania of a Lesser God
  The female genito-urinary tract is a Super Fund site proving God is not a girl, is not omniscient, and has a foul sense of humor. Would you like $15K to model it?
• Pet Peeves
  "A newbie on her first slide down the sharp edge of spacetime swallowed most of a long, long scream." Uncle Al gets a techno-woodie just thinking about it.
• Cultural Diversity and the IRS
  Imagine a computer virus which intercepted IRS electronic tax returns and rewrote them in Roman numerals.
• Sodom was Destroyed...
  Political proliferation of disastrously insane ravenously self-destructive "safety net" policies vigorously rewards genetic, developmental, and behavioral trash; reproductive warriors, hind gut fermenters, drug addicts, Enviro-whiner Luddites; the stupid, the pathetic, and the Officially Sad. SEND AIDS TO HAITI!
• Death by Soybean
  Tofuji's 12-lb tofu turkey is small stuff compared to Chicken-fried tofu, Cajun tofu, and British Columbia's vegan master stroke, tofu haggis.
• Peanut Waste to Taste
  Peanut butter is now manufactured from carriage trade cooking oil manufacturing wastes.
• They Have Their Rights
  Spongiform encephalopathy has no known causative agent, treatment, or early diagnosis. It is fatal and may contaminate the peoples of England and Europe, and America. So?
• Copycat Killers
  Visualize a psycho driving a 1967 Cadillac into a pre-school playground and killing two yard apes. Two! He could have done better wielding an unripe banana.
• Cupidity
  California has banned ammunition acquisition, AB 962. Inventoried lead in brass is the new precious mettle.
• Embroidering the Truth
  "Will it illuminate hamsters like a Medieval manuscript?"
• NASA on the Half-Shell
  Mankind is not going to Mars or even returning to the moon. Behold a NASA triumphant Return to Staten Island!
• The Treasure of Piso Mojado
  Women are 52% of the population. We demand diversity sentencing until historical inequities of gender discrimination in State executions are ended.
• Ask Dr. Schund
  Dr. Schund, when will California be destroyed by the Great Quake?

Uncle Al says, "When government supresses truths into silence, that silence is also a lie."

Beware cultures grown comfortable within their ancestors' nightmares. FIGHT BACK! The future is wrought by the gifted - you, for instance. A clever person would click for apotheosis: