Outrageous On-Line Uncle Al
These are works of fiction. There is no attempt made nor
desire extant to libel or otherwise cause malicious damage, loss,
public contempt, defamation, blasphemy, treason, sedition, or ridicule
to persons, cabals, governments, institutions, corporations, or assemblies
of inanimate objects, alien lifeforms, microorganisms, clergy, vegetables,
animals, or observed spatio-temporal reality.
If it is found that any extant entity or collection of entities
maintains an uncomfortable congruence to the caricatures and ridiculous
comedic exaggerations contained herein, the author offers his apologies
and condolences...
...and if you are still pissed off, you are invited to go pound
sand up your ass.
Conciliation has its limits.
Carnivore/DCS1000, RIP, Altivore, ECHELON, WinWhatWhere...
It's the Keystroke Kops!
New Weapons of Mass Consumption
Week 568!
Readers have requested intimate details of Uncle Al's
life, "I'd give anything to get inside your mind." Uncle
Al says,
"you'd give everything to get back out."
- Uncle Al Takes a Plane Ride
Join Uncle Al as he risks all flying Mohawk Airlines - proud polluter of northwestern US skies.
- To the Limit Allowed by Law
Uncle Al's new down ski jacket had an internal tag that read, "Fabrique en Chine avec is condamnez et/ou le travail des enfants; Made in China by convict and/or child labor".
- Klezmer
Call it Jewish Dixieland or more properly, Klezmer. It really turns on Uncle Al's mother.
- Uneasy Rider
If the Big One hits while Uncle Al is on the pot at least Mom will be proud when her son, late son, is finally recovered with his skivvies immaculate and unsullied.
- Political Shortage of Oil
We cannot be free until we sunder our binding chains of endless petrochemical atrocity. Do you love your planet? Let the global oil shortage begin!
It is incompetent fascists, corporatists, and double-digit IQ
christ-besotted jackasses (Manchurian candidate McCain) against
bleeding heart Liberals, welfare pimps, Enviro-whiners, feminazis,
and Queer Nation (Dark Lord of the Senate). Vote for Cthulhu! Why
settle for the lesser evil? Azathoth for Vice-President.
Uncle Al's view of Enviro-whinerism.
Uncle Al's view of Homeland Severity.
Shooting fish in a Muslim barrel.
Semper fidelis, raghead bastards.
This is what feeding
the Third World buys you.
Bushist America.
General Relativity and string theory demand the
Equivalence Principle: All local bodies vacuum free fall along
identical trajectories. Only an EP geometic parity violation is
still allowed. The
experiment
needs two quality diffential scanning calorimeters at 40-50 °
latitude for five days.
Genius is not knowing everything. Genius is knowing
where to find it. SEARCH ENGINES!
and 500 power surfer links.
The Collected Uncle Al is going into 100% HTML
format, eventually. Orders will resume when the job is finished
and debugged - probably in mid-2005. Nah. Mid-2006.
Mea culpa.
OK, maybe end of 2007. More likley 2008. The synthesized Type IIb
diamond
thingie
and the physics experiment in progress are more interesting.
Mazepath is administered
by JW Hooper, prestigious alpha geek code poet. His three kids
aced Michigan gifted children evaluation tests despite (because
of!) not going to school. They were each and all told to go to
Hell because slum bunnies need Diversity.
WARNING! TOXIC!
Not recommended for children or mammals in general:
- Ask Dr. Scuhnd
Dr. Schund discloses TOP SECRET/Lotus Eater superweapon "optically regenerative genesis amplification and stimulated emission of matter."
- Recycled Lies
Want to make $667,000,000 next year? Forget about recycling urban waste. Collect the garbage, burn it in a power plant, and sell the electricity!
- We Write the Song, You Dance the Dance
The Space Shuttle is recyclable. In the manner of all Enviro-whiner recyclables, it is garbage.
- Shoddy, Mungo, and Noils
Shoddy, mungo, and noils are words dating from before the Industrial Revolution to describe recycled wool. Shoddy has not changed its meaning in 250 years. Recycle!
- The Invincible Pink Army
What would really make this country's official jawbone of an ass invincible is an armed and trained cadre of nothing but homosexuals, of both genders. Ewwwww!
- In Praise of Pornography
Sexual pleasure exists in all but infinite abundance, wanting only skilled and adventuresome participants. I have no problem with that, either as participant or voyeur.
- Two Pasties and a G-String is God's Mandate
The Justices of the Supreme Court agree, dancing in the nude is not a meaningful public conveyance of meaning or thought. SAY WHAT!
- We Are Victims!
How would you like to be flooded out at 5000 feet? An academic institution pulled it off.
- ASk Dr. Schund
The Earth is flat when considered within the geometry of an N-dimensional manifold. Dr. Schund has found one edge, and proposes to throw the world's garbage over the side.
- Coming Soon to Your Stellar Neighborhood - Mankind!
We will all be damned if it is not a human serving the unlawful detainer when God is displaced in his Heaven.
- Neon Borealis
Uncle Al lives too far south to view the Aurora Borealis. He wants an emergency Federal program to light up his night skies - Project Neon Borealis!
- Beyond Neon
A couple of stereo tweeters in a neon light may grab the zero point field of the quantum vacuum via the Casimir Effect. Can you say "star drive?"
- Ask Dr. Schund
Southern California is dying of thirst. Dr. Schund discloses the best widget to conserve water: a leaking toilet!
- Are We Liberal Enough?
AlGore in 2000 ran the most inept presidential election campaign since Samuel J. Tilden sold the Presidency for "a barrel of whiskey and other considerations."
- William J. Bennett, Drug Czar
William Bennett supports the use of lethal force to keep recreational drugs out of our hands. When he lights up a cigarette, that is different.William Bennett supports the use of lethal force to keep recreational drugs out of our hands. When he lights up a cigarette, that is different.
- Canning Coconuts
The missionary fires of home canning burned hot within Eudora Poswilly. Unfortunately, Palmyra Island only had coconuts.
- We are Drowning in Wood
The tree industry is poised to cover the planet with an impenetrable carpet of wood. Remember to recycle!
- Cow Tipping
Shoulders to the cow, boys, we're going cow tipping!
- You Can Save the Earth, or You Can Breathe
Third World reproductive warriors devote their lives to discharging wastes and vastly multiplying their numbers. Their massed excrement is burying Planet Earth.
- Christmas is in my Database
Most of our friends have computers, that have databases, that have their mailing lists for Christmas cards. We get a lot of cards, mostly from just a few people.Most of our friends have computers, that have databases, that have their mailing lists for Christmas cards. We get a lot of cards, mostly from just a few people.
Liberal political canon celebrates genetic, developmental, and behavioral
trash; reproductive warriors, religious hind gut fermenters, drug addicts,
Enviro-whiner Luddites; the stupid, the pathetic, and the Officially Sad.
Uncle Al says, "If you wish to make an apple pie
you must first make the universe."
Beware cultures grown comfortable within their ancestors' nightmares.
FIGHT BACK! The future is wrought by the gifted - you, for instance.
A clever person would click for apotheosis:
